Duhmass Effect
by Starspike7
Summary: I'm the narrator a handsome disembodied voice forced do to something either by karma or just bad luck to bring you the tale of Joe Schmoesterson and believe me, it's pathetic. A satire on SI and many of the things now cliche within them.
1. This Guy is Boring

This is the tale of a very very very very boring man… well, more like a boy. Actually, more like a man-child/fetus. Maybe that is even a little offensive to man-children and fetuses. He's really pathetic and a bit mentally challenge but not in a born-that-way way but a he openly chose not to exercise his brain function.

Anyway, back to the story or lack there of one as this boy-child thing sat in his room reading fan fiction on his computer doing about the only thing he could. His name is Joe Schmoesterson (Shmo-ster-sun) and he is by every sense of the word, a loser. He works at a corporate job part-time putting caps on toothpaste so he can afford his one bedroom apartment and internet connection. With this, he reads fanfiction when he isn't sleeping and working.

Joe is extremely pathetic when it comes to life and existence in whole. Often times, he doesn't even read the stories or play the games that he reads fiction on. In fact, he doesn't hear about most of them until he reads fanfiction of them. To him, the cesspool of terrible stories, awkward grammar and worse than that spelling is the greatest library he has ever found.

Whatever chance of a decent life this guy had, left him quite a while ago. Probably back when he first read Harry Potter and then wanted more. This addiction has stolen away his life and he fell deeper and deeper into it. He constantly frequented reddit, and TV tropes in which then found his newest addiction.

From TV tropes, Joe found Mass Effect which completely broke his concept of reality. Soon, he found himself reading constant stories that consisted of people a lot more manly and in better shape. That it not to say he was fat but rather the opposite as he had no muscle or fat. He often starved himself relying on butter and toast to sustain him along with a jug of milk. Don't ask me why he lives such a pathetic life or to what decisions that lead him here for Joe himself does not even know. Perhaps he has always been like this or he evolved to this from a slow devolution of the human state, we will never know, but it is pathetic.

I mean seriously, imagine being me a narrator and having to tell the story of this asshole. Sure, a being of a higher state like me must attend to telling the story of one person but I got so shafted. Sure my buddy Frank was going to be sick and I owed him a favor but seriously, why do I deserve this? I don't know, sometimes I suspect that Frank knew about this guy but other times I figure he really didn't and I just got unlucky.

In fact, I found that Joe is SO boring, I've decided to liven up his life a little. By throwing him into the world of Mass Effect. Frank thinks that it'll be exciting, but I doubt it. This guy can make anything boring, but I guess we'll find out.

…

Joe opened his eyes, looking around himself and taking in the view. He didn't remember taking the scenic route home and he also didn't remember living anywhere near a field. Last he checked, he lived in the mountains.

"Where the hell am I?"

_Oh my god, he talks to himself… maybe I should have know that considering I watch him every day. NO I'M NOT A CREEPER, IT'S MY JOB!_

Joe stood himself up and began walking around in circles, looking for whatever brought him here, after all there was no way he just slept walked here. At least to the best of his knowledge he didn't sleep walk. It could totally have happened and he didn't realize it but considering he lived in the Rockies and the nearest flat land was a days hike away, there was good reason to keep assuming he didn't sleep walk.

Joe continued walking in circles like an idiot for well over five minutes in a panic. Upon his third donut in the field and levelling a good section of wheat stamped down, he saw smoke off in the distance. Obvious to anyone, smoke meant people and people meant a town or small thing like a town. A village, that's the word.

Schmoesterson took two steps toward it before a loud sound cut into his ears and something zipped past him at lightning speed. Behind him, there were figures approaching at what could be considered a leisurely pace. The idiot, thinking they were friendlies, started walking toward them without a second thought. This turned out to be the wrong thing to do as he quickly figured out they were not friendly and the thing that zipped past him was a bullet, as signalled by the hail they were putting in his direction.

Joe took off deeper into the field and headed for the smoke, hoping to god that it wasn't their base. Though, knowing his luck it probably was. Seriously, Joe was so unlucky that when he walked into a casino, he started with a deficit.

The field of wheat proved to be slightly painful for Joe, as the grain slapped against his exposed skin. All he was wearing, was some tennis shoes, short socks, and shorts on his lower half giving the wheat free reign on his legs. He stumbled on the odd rock, but recovered quickly enough. I'd go into more detail, but he somehow managed to not get hit, get overrun by the figures, or fall on a rock. This continued on for about three miles.

Eventually, Schmoesterson crested a hill and paused.

...

...

...

Sorry, it wasn't dramatic enough yet. Schmoesterson paused at the top of a hill and saw what looked like shipping containers on the far side. The smoke was nearby, and the shipping containers were further evidence that people lived there. Then another bullet whizzed by Joe's head and the whoosh startled him. Coincidentally, he was also standing on a loose rock. The combination of unsafe footing and unanticipated stimulation triggering a fight or flight reflex caused Joe to trip head over heels, see his pursuers, and start tumbling down the hill. He hit like five more rocks on his way down.

Joe smacked down on the bottom of the hill looking back up to see the three figures come into full view. "Are those… Geth?"

All three of them leveled their guns at him and readied to fire just before a weird bubble formed between them, knocking them back. Then, before they could get up, three guns rang out behind him and tore apart the robots. He quickly flipped over and looked up to see three sci-fi looking soldiers close in on him.

"Freeze right there." Said the one on the left, "We'll take care of them."

The man in the middle stepped forward and checked a grenade into the midst of the geth, blowing them apart after activating a weird orange thing on his hand. "Kaidan, get the boy up. Jenkins, keep an eye on our perimeter."

"Yes, sir!" They both rang out.

The man walked forward and over to Joe, holstering his rifle in the process. "Hello, I'm Commander Shepard and this is my crew Jenkins and Kaidan. We are here to secure the colony."

_And, great, it's a paragon goody-two shoes Shepard, the boring type._

"Commander Shepard?" Joe said, eyes widening as Kaidan helped him up. "Uh, I'm Joe Schmoesterson but my friends call me Schmoe."

"Hm, well Schmoe, how is it you found your way here?"

"It's… I… I don't really know. I kinda woke up and… I can't remember." A panic started to cause the idiot to have a anxiety attack since he had never been under this kinda stress before.

"Hey, hey, hey." Shepard grabbed ahold of him, putting an arm over his shoulder. "We'll help get you through this. We are the heroes after all, and so long as we stick together there is nothing that can de-"

Joe cut Shepard off with a scream as he saw Jenkins step out into the open and a swarm of drones come flying at him. Pushing off of Shepard, he ran at Jenkins trying as hard as he could to get to him. All the fan fictions he read to this point rang in his ears…

_Wait, if he read them, how is that an ear metaphor? I mean some computers have text to speech but does this idiot even know how to use that? Why am I asking you? You haven't been watching him as his narrator. Remind me to ask Frank if he saw anything when he came over._

Anyway, Joe reached out with to save Jenkins and a blue aura surrounded Jenkins. The idiot's heart skipped a beat as he realized that he was the one doing that. Following what he had seen, he pulled toward himself trying to yank Jenkins out of the gunfire.

Now, one might think that someone with biotics would be competent with them. However, this is Joe Schmoesterson and he just got them. In other words, start feeling sorry for Jenkins as he shot backwards into a outcropping of rocks with a loud wet crack. The drones sat there afterwards, shaking as if they were chuckling at what just happened.

"Uh...did he just kill Jenkins with biotics?" Kaidan stated the obvious.

"Nonsense!" Shepard said, walking over and putting his arm around Joe again. "He was obviously making a gut reaction. Jenkins was just in the wrong place for it. I'm sure if you work with this kid, he'll be a great biotic."

"...What."

"Yeah, did you see the power he pulled Jenkins with? We could use that." Shepard let go of Joe and walked over to Jenkins picking up his assault rifle. "Here Joe, we are now recruiting."

"Now you want to give him a gun?!"

_Relax Kaidan, this moron will probably just shoot himself with it...and now instead of just talking to myself, I'm talking to fictional characters who can't hear me. God, this is so boring. Wait, can a disembodied voice even believe in god?_

Joe took the gun and looked at Shepard in confusion. "Uh, look, I've read a lot of… material on this and I think I agree with Kaidan. I just killed one of your team."

"Meh, if you hadn't the Geth would've anyway."

Joe and Kaidan exchanged looks of wonder about Shepard but Joe eventually nodded figuring that he couldn't argue with Shepard. "Okay, I guess I'll follow."

"Not just that, but you can take point. Lead us to the Beacon, Schmoe. I'm sure you know this area like the back of your hand." Shepard said, pushing Joe out in front.

"What? But I don't even have armor or shields?!" Joe said, incredulous at this blatant disregard for human safety.

_Oh, so it's a paragon Shepard who's an idiot/crazy. Good, much better than the boring vanilla paragon. This could get interesting._

"No, I'm sure you'll be fine, you have barrier. Like all biotics." Shepard replied, waving him forward.

"But I haven't put any points into barrier!"

"Wait, are you metagaming IRL?" Shepard asked, outraged at the lack decency Joe was showing.

_A Shepard that knows about metagaming? A crazy, paragon nerd. This just keeps getting better and better._

"Hey, uh, sorry to interrupt, but we've still got Geth shooting at us!" Kaidan interjected, Geth bullets flying by their position.

Shepard threw Joe into cover, and directed him to fire at the drone on the left. He obliged the commander's orders and stood up to fire the weapon. Sure, he never shot a gun before, or even held one but he read about it enough on the internet. How hard could it be?

He pulled the trigger and the gun fired, full auto on the drone taking it out but continuing to lift up until Joe fell straight on his ass and it overheated. He looked over and saw Shepard take out his drone with one shot from his pistol. Then, he holstered it and walked back over to Joe.

"Not to shabby newbie. You're pretty good with that gun." He said, helping Joe up.

Kaidan rushed over stunned. "Are you kidding me?! He didn't know what the hell he was doing. Obviously if it wasn't for the guns auto-targeting, he would never have killed the thing."

"Nonsense, the kid's a natural. I'm sure he'll be a wonderful addition to the crew." Shepard chimed, starting off toward Ashley, smiling and humming.

Kaidan and Joe started walking after him, the former rubbing his temples. "I can't believe I volunteered for this crew."

**S7: Well, this is going to be AWESOME! I say this on every fic I write.**

**Grrys: Well, this time, it's true.**

**S7: I feel like I'm going to get love or hate from this. Can't tell.**

**T117: Eh, maybe somewhere in the middle. Or both.**

**Grrys: Likely both, as some will be all "Yeah, you make fun of that SI!" While others will be all "Screw this, you should feel bad, putting that poor man through all that funny shit." Overall, meh.**

**T117:...What, you mean people sometimes feel bad about doing mean things to their characters? Huh. New concept.**

**Grrys: People usually get attached to OTHER people's characters...**

**S7: Well, too bad. It's my character and I will do whatever I want to him. Maybe he's gay, maybe he is an it. I don't know. I haven't thought of it yet but it's my decision.**

**T117: Or the fans, if their suggestions turn out better than what you think of. **

**S7: This is my satire and I'll do what I want with it. Plus, I don't think anyone can really beat what I have planned.**

**Grrys: I came up with most of Joe's name.**

**T117: And I provided the majority of the narration snark.**

**S7: You wrote two lines for the narration snark.**

**T117: It was three, and I gave you the starting points for the rest of**

**S7: Anyway, I think I better tell people what this came from. It's an SI brainchild that I had to get out of my head basically, it will be me going through and making fun of stuff that I perceive as cliches in fan fictions. Such as an inept person who has never held a gun somehow ending up on Shepard's team. It's kinda my rebuttal too of people saying that Users isn't very believable because they need the universe to be real in order to feel for the people.**

**T117: Bets that Joe will actually end up being more well liked than Ty?**

**S7: Ty wasn't meant to be liked, he was- Nevermind, this A/N has gone on way too long and I don't really want to get into character traits, developments and plans, so everyone sign off and let's go play some videogames.**

**T117: Works for me. Sayonara.**

**S7:1473I2**

**Grrys: Bye all! Why is it never a greeting?**


	2. Screwing the Screw-Up

Joe rubbed the back of his neck, huffing it on foot up the hill with Shepard and Kaidan with the later giving him odd but deserved looks. He knew he shouldn't have been there. Hell, he was absolutely pathetic in the combat just moments ago where both Shepard and Kaidan were obviously competent, having real skills. All he could do is shoot a gun and make himself fall on his ass.

"Alright, fan out up ahead. Joe, cover the left. Kaidan, you take the right. If you run into trouble… I'm pretty certain that we can all handle more drones on our own." He cheerfully exclaimed before running off.

Kaidan just gave Joe a scowl before taking off to the right, yelling a spiteful, "Good luck, Joe."

"Yeah, thanks Kaidan." Joe said, his voice getting small as he said it.

He took off into the woods and found he was already winded from his sheer lack of physical fitness. The strain made him stop for a second and lean on a tree trunk right before the sound of hovering bots started to close in. If it was panic or adrenaline, he didn't know, but he was able to sprint to a nearby log and take cover.

The drones began to unload on his position and tear apart the log that Joe was cowering behind, finally drawing his weapon. His instinct told him to run but his mind forced him to stay. He knew standing up would get him killed, but staying where he was would also get him killed. There had to be an out, a moment that he could save himself and survive.

_Okay, this isn't looking good and we still got an entire story to go. Lets see here, let me pull up Fan … Hm, looks like a lot of people magically get survival powers when in a pinch like this. But I don't want Joe to get out of this that easy… Maybe just this once, help boost his confidence so that a failure hits him harder._

At that moment, the Geth guns overheated giving Joe a chance to react. His reflexes took over and he pulled his gun from his back and darted up. Taking aim, he shot the first one to pieces before it could lock onto him. Once he saw the first one begin to drop as it's hover devices failed he turned to the next and warped the second to pieces.

The last one's gun began to click showing that it had fully diffused it's heat sink. Joe needed an out, there wasn't enough time to duck down before the gun fired and his was fully overheated. He looked over and saw that there was a nearby branch he could swing at the bot. He reached out for it fluidly using his biotics to pull it in… or at least he tried. Instead, the branch shot at him and he dodged, barely being scuffed by it. The branch flew past and bounced off his cover at the right angle to impale the droid.

_There, he is a badass and I saved him from killing himself with a fuck-up. Don't ever say I don't do this guy any favors._

The bot fell to the ground and exploded like the others did prompting Joe to fall down in exhaustion. "How did I do that?"

_You didn't. I did. Ungrateful bastard. Least you could have said is 'thank god'._

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before noticing the clapping coming from just ahead. "See Kaidan, told you he was good."

Joe opened his eyes and looked at the two marines seeing a happy Commander and stunned Lieutenant. "I… uh, don't know how I did that."

Shepard smirked and walked over to help him up. "Hey, I knew you had the skill to do it. I mean, Alenko had no faith and was pleading with me to step in and take down the Geth. Instead, I was all like 'he's got this'."

"You… watched that and didn't plan on helping me?" He said, the sheer stupidity or insanity of the commander leaving him dumbfounded..

"Hey, like I said, you had it." He pointed toward the opening in the trees. "Now, c'mon. Last I saw there was this marine that was being cornered by the Geth."

"And you didn't help him?!"

"Her. And no, I wanted to progress as a team." He took off at a light jog pulling Joe with him while Kaidan kept up.

The two geth were standing together and not really doing much to everyone's surprise. Shepard simply smirked and tossed a grenade at their feet before turning to his crew. In one swift motion, he bowed to them and blew up the Geth as if expecting applause.

"And that dear friends, is style points."

The three of them then walked down from the top of the hill up to the marine who had stowed her gun.

"Thanks for your help Commander. I didn't think I was going to make it. Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams of the 212. You the one in charge here, sir?" Ashley inquired, _walking up to the sausage fest._

"Are you wounded, Williams?" Shepard asked, genuinely concerned for the chief's well being.

"A few scrapes and burns. Nothing serious. The others weren't so lucky… Oh man…" Ashley trailed off before steeling herself once more. "We were patrolling the perimeter when the attack hit. We tried to get off a distress call, but the cut off our communications. I've been fighting for my life ever since."

"Same here." Joe cut in.

"Where's the rest of your squad?" Shepard mused, _ignoring our not-so-lovable oaf._

"We tried to double back to the beacon, but we walked into an ambush. I don't think any of the others… I think I'm the only one left."

"This isn't your fault, Williams." Shepard said, consoling her. "You couldn't have done anything to save them."

"Yes sir." Ashley said, her confidence restored. "We held our position as long as we could. Until the Geth overwhelmed us."

"The Geth haven't been outside the Veil in nearly two hundred years. Why are they here now?" Kaiden questioned, fishing for information.

"To bring the Reapers!" Joe exclaimed, spoiling the dramatic reveal from the end of the game. He knew what was going to happen, so he figured that he might as well get it out of the way.

"They must be here for the beacon. The dig site is nearby, just over that rise. It might still be there." Ashley continued, speaking over a yelling Joe.

"Alright, move out boys. WIlliams, stay here. You sound like you deserve a break." Shepard suggested, motioning Ashley to sit down.

"Sir, with all due respect, I've been fighting them since before you arrived. You could use my help." Ashley protested.

"Nonsense. We've got Joe. Isn't that right Joe?" Shepard started walking towards the dig site, shooting Joe a smile.

"Take Ashley. I'm not trained for this, I'm not ready for this, and I think the trauma of killing somebody is starting to catch up to me." Joe pleaded.

"Commander, you should listen to them. Williams knows how to shoot straight and Joe killed Jenkins." Kaidan put in.

Ashley looked shocked. "Wait, what?"

"Ugh, fine. If it gets you both off my back. She can come… BUT she has to stay back and not shoot. This is my team and I make the choices for it. If I say we are a gang, everybody better get their bandannas on and start walking with swag. Come to think of it, Alenko, write that down."

"You already had me do that, sir. This is like the fourth time. Since we've landed."

"Then why haven't I seen it?" Shepard demanded.

"Because you never look at your notes."

"Oh, that's right… Hm, what would we call ourselves? The Third Street Reds? Nah, I feel like I was in a gang like that in a past life. Maybe, the Blue Suns!"

"Uh, that's a mercenary group."

"Oh yeah, but only losers join that group. We can make it a popular group."

"They have an army and it wouldn't take too many to kill us."

"Fine, how about the Batmans? It's perfect! Does everyone here know how to brood?"

Kaidan shot Joe a confused look.

"You're right Kaidan, we need to get on with the mission."

The Commander led the group onward and upwards, towards the dig site. Aside from a few more Geth getting in their way, the way was mostly uneventful. Mostly. Ashley decided that since Joe's accuracy was somewhere around one-percent, she decided to help him out, hoping Shepard wouldn't notice. He did.

"THREE. MAN. SQUADS. Not four, not two, but THREE. No shooting, WIlliams." The last Geth took out his shields. "That's an order."

"Sir." Ashley calls, her anger showing through gritted teeth.

_Uh oh. When a woman has that tone of voice, some unlucky dude is about to get hurt, embarrassed, castrated, or all three. I hope it's Joe._

"You know what?! Put your guns on the ground and leave them! I don't need you shooting anyone in the back!"

_...Oh come on! If I tried that on a chick, I'd be...stupid military ranking BS. I hope she shoots him anyway._

Ashley glowered as she threw her guns on the ground.

_...Goddamnit. Why is my luck never like this with women? Frank's luck is even better than that. And he refuses to share his secrets._

"That's better."

Joe watched as bullets whizzed back and looked at Ashley's guns lying on the ground. Joe knew that he would be useless with them, but if he could get them to Ashley…

Edging slowly out of cover, Joe reached out and picked up the assault rifle. "Pssst. Ashley! ASHLEY!"

The marine turned to stare at him, then noticed the gun in his hand.

"HERE!" Joe threw the rifle in Ashley's general direction. However, Joe's wimpy arms weren't strong enough, and the gun fell halfway to her. Before Ashley could give him a properly derisive look, the rifle began firing toward the Geth. Bullets sailed through the air in a hail of gunfire dropping both of the Geth's shields and taking one's head clean off.

Shepard turned around with an outraged look, expecting Ashley to have been the one to shoot. When he saw the gun sitting there and Joe still holding a position like he threw it, his face changed. "Way to go Joe! I have no idea how you did that but keep it up. Take the rest of her guns if you want to."

"...WHAT!?" He and Ashley screamed at the same time, _and I screamed along with them at the sheer idiocy. Good lord, this Shepard makes some other versions I know seem sane._

"If it makes you feel any better," Kaidan started, walking up to Ashley, "He's the only one who thinks this is a good idea."

"...No, doesn't really make me feel better. Permission to go AWOL and find a CO who isn't a dumbass?"

"You know I can hear you, right?" Shepard called back.

"Yeah, you were meant to."  
"That's it. Drop and give me fifty."

"...What."

"You heard me. You, on the ground, push-ups."

"We don't have time for this!" Kaidan exploded.

"That's...huh, good point. Ashley, do your push-ups and catch up with the three of us."

"You can't be-" She cut herself off as she saw Shepard's glare. "Right, fifty push ups." She sighed. "Got it."

_The hell man! She's a strong, competent woman with the personality of a sponge… Okay, you know what. Watch your back Shepard, I have fanboys for this story and I might be willing to take suggestions. That, and the guys who write this are sickos, and can make your life hell._

Joe gave a sorry look to Ashley but she only glared at him making him sprint to catch up with the Commander. Along the way, he picked up the weapons and hugged them to his chest like one does with a bunch of stuffed animals. As he did, his only hope was that none of them accidentally went off and killed him.

_Hmm...Thanks for the idea. Hehehe._

**S7: Another successful chapter.**

**Grrys: Another chapter of being mean to Joe.**

**T117: Why is it so fun being mean to fictional characters?**

**Grrys: Schadenfreude?**

**Iyrsiiea: Or maybe you're all just terrible people.**

**(I think I'll go with that option.)**

**T117: What- Seriously dude? **

**(Yeah, that narrator fucked with me in two separate A/Ns, in two different stories, so it's time to take it onto his turf and see how he likes it!)**

_Yes, but you seem to have forgotten. YOU JUST ENTERED MY TURF!_

**(...oops.)**

**Grrys: Nice knowing you.**

**Siiea: I didn't even know you.**

**T117: Meh, neither of you are going to miss much. Iron's a total douchebag.**

**(Look who's talking!)**

_Suddenly, Iron, in all his gear and weapons, had a malfunction causing all his grenades to go off._

**(...Owww. Just...owww. Everywhere.)**

_Then, the explosion caused his armor's motorized joints to glitch and bend all his limbs the opposite direction they are supposed to go until they break!_

**(...Meh.)**

_What do you mean, 'meh'?_

**(Bourne's done worse to me for taking the last donut.)**

_This is the first pain you have ever felt in your life now._

**(...Oww. Meh, I'm crazy, it's no big, dawg.)**

_Your sanity is suddenly regained!_

**(...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!...And, the pain drove me insane again. Okay, crisis averted.)**

_You are now the center person in the HUMAN CENTIPEDE. That should take care of him._

**T117:...Okay, don't you think that's a bit much?**

_Look, you thought Iron was a sadistic bastard. I'm the culmination of the sadist in six people. Including you. I'm like Iron times...well, a lot. Including Bourne, Layla, Cecelia, Marvin, and all the other dickheads you guys have written._

**T117:...I guess Iron should be glad you didn't have any donuts for him to take.**

**Grrys: That was me. I took the donut.**

**Siiea: Wait, wait…. can I have a chance to torture him?**

**T117: Please feel free. That's what he's here for.**

**(You suck Trebor, you know that?)**

**S7: Lord knows we all have had our chances for 84 chapters at least to deal him pain.**

**Siiea: See…. I have this book. It's supposed to explain to young girls all about their bodies and what a 'period' is. Shall I read it aloud?**

**T117: Hmm...well, his ears should still work...nah, save it for next time. Don't want to run out of ideas.**

**Siiea: Fine by me. I've been saving this thing for a loooooong time.**

_Alright, sign off time. C'mon, you have taken enough liberties with this A/N in MY story._

**T117: Don't get your panties in a twist bub. Besides, you enjoyed the torture of Iron too.**

**Siiea: ...how *do* panties get twisted?**

**S7: And that question will be answered next time. 1473I2.**

**T117: Sayonara.**

**Grrys: Have fun storming the castle! *nom***

**Siiea: Now, where was that little Japanese girl I had tied up….?**

**T117:...**


	3. Only the Devil Uses One-liners

Shepard stepped up to the open area with the conspicuously empty pedestal and gestured to it in confusion. "Uh, wasn't the beacon supposed to be here?"

"The Geth must've moved it." Joe said, since Ashley was still doing pushups and couldn't say it herself.

"Why would they do that? They are robots and this is a Prothean beacon. It's not like they can… Oh my god guys, I know why they took the beacon."

"Care to enlighten us?" Kaidan asked pointedly.

"They are going to try and mate with it." He said, smacking his fist into his hand.

"...How would they even do that, if that was what they were doing?" He held his hand up as Shepard opened his mouth. "No, wait, you've sent me enough Fornax links to know that I don't want to know."

"That reminds me, the new Asari issue is in-"

"NO!"

"What? There was an interesting article about an all-human biotic ball team." He said, pointed at the edge of the area where the land sloped up. "Let's head over there and see if we can find anyone that might have seen where they dragged the thing off to."

He started off and Joe began to follow when one of the many fan fictions he read came to mind. There was some crate around this area that always had armor for the person stuck in the game. All he needed to do was find where it was at and hack into it.

_Hah, you think you're going to be able to hack a crate, dumbass? _

He began to search around while holding all the weapons between his arms, almost dropping them on multiple occasions. Rushing around every corner and looking around the small area, Joe didn't stumble onto the crate until Shepard and Kaidan got far enough ahead to run into the husks. This made the blumbering idiot panic and start juggling the weapons before dropping them all and falling flat on his face by the crate.

"Oh, fuck me…" Joe said, slamming his fist into the ground.

"Sorry, you're not really my type." Ashley said, reaching down to help him up.

He looked up at her but shook his head and propped himself up. "Don't help me. I'm just dead weight."

"Speaking of dead things, what happened with-"

"QUIET! BOGEYS!" Shepard shouted at the pair, cutting of Ashley's question. A husk had gotten to him and was grappling for his rifle. Kaidan, on the other hand, was making excellent use of his biotic powers to deal with the other two. Shepard turned around quickly and hucked a grenade at the husk only for it to sail past and land next to Joe.

_Please go off please go off please go off please go off please go off please go off!_

Ashley leaped forward and kicked the grenade, sending it flying right into the husks mouth before going off and taking everything to the waist with it. "Chew on that!"

_GOD DAMNIT! ...wait, if I'm the guy saying what shit happens when, why don't I just… next time instead of just wishing, I'll actually make shit happen. Frank does that all the time._

"Williams! No one-liners!" Shepard said, giving her his full attention. "Also, I was saving that one."

"Shepard, behind you!" Joe said, distracting the commander from Williams.

_Oh, you noble bastard._

Shepard turned around as the husk came at him, and casually shot it in the head before punching what was left of the skull off of its shoulders. "Looks like that one...lost it's head. Damnit Williams, you see what I mean? One liners need to be planned out! You try making it up on the spot, you get subpar lines like that!"

Meanwhile, Kaidan used his biotic powers, _that he has complete control over,_ to force the last husk into a corner of the rock wall. "Time for you to go to the corner."

"Damnit Alenko, WHAT DID I JUST SAY?" Shepard yelled, walking off to talk to his lieutenant.

"You know, at first I was kinda pissed that he didn't want me on his team. But now, I'm hoping he doesn't try taking me along."

"He's got the only working ship that won't try to kill you when you get on it." Joe responded, thinking that Ashley coming along was a foregone conclusion. It had happened in all the fan fictions he'd read after all.

"And?"

"Uh, good point." Joe pulled the crate over to him and looked over the lock mechanism. "Yeah, I've kinda resigned myself to death before the end of today. If not from the Geth, then from Shepard shooting me over something I say or do...or a combination of both."

He toyed with the panel for a few seconds before realizing how utterly out of his league the technology was and giving up. "Well, I'm boned."

"Here." Ashley kneeled down next to him and opened up the emergency bypass that seemed to be on everything, causing the crate to open. "It helps that this is Alliance tech."

He looked at the crate and then to her. "Th… thanks. But why are you suddenly being so nice to me? You glared at me a few minutes ago."

She looked off back the way they came. "That was more of anger in general over Shepard, his boy scout, and the fact that I have been fighting for my life for the last couple of hours only to be saved by a moron."

Joe fished out the armor and looked at it. _Unlike in the games, where it was the Scorpion armor, it was the...hmm… Phoenix armor is heads, Liberator armor is tails...and, Liberator armor it is. _"Ah, crap. I'm going to stick out like a sore thumb in this."

"At least yours isn't pink," she deadpanned.

He looked at her and then back to the armor, zipping down the back of it to slip it on. "Yeah... why did you get that armor, if you don't mind me asking?"

"Honestly, I lost a bet. I was supposed to wear this piece of shit for a week, and today would've been the last day. I would've been back in military colors by this time tomorrow. But then, no, the Geth had to blow up the armor and all the normal armors, so now, here I am stuck in this crap." She sighed as she sat down next to him. "I'm going to go down in history as the idiot chick who Shepard found on Eden Prime, in pink armor, and it'll turn into some sorta sexist thing."

"Plus your granddad is the only human who ever surrendered to an alien race."

"...How the hell did you know th-"

"...So the next time I tell you to make me a sandwich and it doesn't have cucumbers on it, I swear to god Alenko, I will demote your ass to Minor Junior Tiny Private Alenko, Negative Twenty-third class!" Shepard seemed to cool down after finishing his rant towards Kaidan, who just stood there and took it.

"Yes sir." Kaidan said as Shepard turned back towards Joe and Ashley.

"Weren't you lecturing him about one liners?" Joe asked, quickly getting away from Ashley before she started probing further.

"Oh, yeah, that reminds me- NO ONE LINERS UNLESS YOUR NAME IS COMMANDER SHEPARD! NOT PRIVATE SHEPARD, NOT CAPTAIN SHEPARD, _COMMANDER _SHEPARD! ...Unless you're Joe." Shepard added in, giving Joe a thumbs up.

"What." Ashley said simultaneously.

"Huh?" Joe questioned, finally having gotten his first leg into the armor.

"Uh, Joe, why are you putting on your armor on over your clothes?" Shepard asked, actually seeing what Joe was doing.

"Well, I just…" Joe looked down at the piss-colored armor. "I was just putting the armor on."

"Joe, real men don't wear anything under their armor. It gives better maneuverability which can be the key to winning in combat." The commander added, showing that there was no collar under his armor.

"Are you kidding? You go commando under your armor?" Kaidan said in disbelief, taking a step or two away.

"Yeah, Why? Aren't you?"

"Hell no! The one time I tried it, it chafed like hell in all sorts of places."

Shepard cocked his head and gave Kaidan an understanding look. "Ah, So you must have a small-"

"And, I think it's time we get going Shepard." Joe cut in, after putting the armor on lightening quick. All the talk of nakedness made him _very_ uncomfortable.

"-penis." Shepard finished, earning a glare from Kaidan. "Alright, let's get hiking up the hill and check out those prefabs."

Joe glanced down at the yellow- _no, piss colored- _armor, and groaned. "Can't we just skip it? The less people that see me like this the better."

"Nonsense! The more people that-" Shepard started.

"Door's locked." Kaidan said, cutting Shepard off.

"Oh. Well, I'll just hack into it." He answered, pulling up his omni-tool.

"Yeah, right, like you are tech savy enough to-"

Shepard began stabbing into the door with an omni-axe, bashing it to pieces. "Quiet, I'm hacking!"

_And before one of you fanboy trolls start crying about how 'but there was no omni-blade in the first game-' it's specifically said in the codex that omni-tool weapons have been around for ages. And the destroyers have this sorta axe, so just roll with it. _

As soon as the door busted down, the two scientists inside were seen huddled in panic. "Humans! Thank the Maker!"

"Is that supposed to mean god or something?" Joe muttered to Kaidan, who just shrugged in response.

"Well, no, I'm not 'the maker', but I like to think he and I are tight." Shepard said, putting away his omni-axe.

_We most certainly are not! Well, we don't talk but… Eh, I guess I kinda like you. But you start getting frisky with me and I'll smite thee! Like Frank did that one time..._

"Hurry! Close the door! Before they come back!"

"Uh, I just destroyed your door. But we took care of everything out front. We're like your guardians!"

"Uh...thanks, I guess?" the female doctor said, rubbing the back of her neck.

"This is Dr. Warren, the one in charge of the excavation. Do you know what happened to the beacon?" Ashley asked, sticking her head in through the hole in the door.

"Oh, it was moved to the spaceport this morning. Manuel and I stayed behind to pack up the camp. When the attack came, the marines held them off long enough for us to hide. They gave their lives to save us…"

"No one is saved!" The other scientist shouted suddenly. "The age of humanity is ended. Soon, only ruin and corpses will remain!"

"Williams, point us to the spaceport. Then you can stay here to… protect the civilians! Yes, these scientists obviously need a dedicated guard!"

"Sir, you gave my guns to Joe."

"Oh, I'm sure you'll be fine without them." Joe still handed Ashley back her assault rifle as Shepard dismissed her with a wave of his hand.

"Why not leave Joe- or better yet me- here?" Kaidan suggested. "That way, she has her guns, she helps you, and they're with someone who has biotics. Like I said, preferably me."

"Nonsense, Alenko. You're my secretary. How will I remember all my awesome ideas if you're not here to write them down? Also," Shepard said, putting his hand to his chin, "just had an idea, just write down popperclops. I'll know what it means."

"Writing down popperclops for the fifth time. Today."

"Good, now, lets go stop these robots from mating with the beacon." He said, heading for the door.

"They're not going to mate with the beacon!" Kaidan said, eye twitching.

"Well, obviously not at first. They seem like the type to buy it dinner first, maybe wait till the third date before they try that-"

"They're evil robots who attacked humanity or the quarians for no good reason!"

"...So, second date then, you think?"

"You can't stop it. Nobody can stop it. Night is falling. The darkness of eternity." Manuel said, gripping his arms tightly.

"Wait, what's happening?" Shepard asked, moving in close to Manuel.

"Hush, Manuel, go lie down. You'll feel better once the medication kicks-"

The commander immediately turned to the woman and punched her out. "Don't stop this man from speaking! Now sir, tell me the message you're carrying."

"...Did he just punch out a woman to listen to a crazy guy?" Joe asked the other two.

"Yep. For the second time this week...or maybe third time, I'm not sure how to count Asari." Alenko mused.

"...that's a little bit racist." Joe said, unsure of how to take Kaidan's comment.

"Well, they look female, but they're only one gender, so how does that work?"

"Sexist then." Ashley said, rolling her eyes.

Manuel looked at Shepard and opened his mouth to speak before his eyes rolled up into his head and he passed out.

"Oh no, the Devil took his soul!" The commander said, sprinting out the door. "What are you waiting for, Devil?! Come face me! Give me back that man's life!"

Ashley carefully picked her way in through the door and checked Manuel for a pulse. "He's just unconscious, Commander."

"Don't make me ramp it up to five this week Williams!" Shepard said, right before a hail of Geth gunfire flew past him, coming from the spaceport.

"Ah, so you send your minions! Have at thee!" Shepard challenged, pulling his shotgun out and charging toward the shots, bellowing a mighty battle cry.

_Shepard, I admitted I like you but you are seriously making it hard to make you seem cool._

"You know, we _could _shoot him and blame it on the Geth. In the leg at least." Ashley muttered.

"You don't think I haven't tried that?" Kaidan said.

"...Good point."

The two soldiers took off out of the building to join the commander with Joe in tow. Once they came around the corner, Shepard barked orders at the top of his lungs at them. "Joe, start sniping! Kaidan, give me biotic support! Ashley, sit down and shut up!"

"Like hell I will!" Ashley said, pulling her sniper rifle off Joe's back. "Come with me Joe, I'll hand you the gun when he looks."

"I like this plan. Hell, I'm happy to be a part of it." Joe said, following her off to the nearby outcropping.

They got over the outcropping and Ashley laid down flat on her stomach and pulled Joe down with her. She began methodically firing her rifle off, dropping Geth after Geth leaving Shmoesterson to lay next to her, feeling uncomfortable since this was the closest he had ever been to a woman.

_Oh, are your palms sweaty? Can you hardly breath? Do you have a crush, you pathetic loser? Trust me, you ain't getting any of that. Maybe Eve in Mass Effect 3 if I let you live that long… or possibly Morinth, if I get bored before that._

Ashley fired about five rounds before handing the sniper rifle back to Joe and standing up. "Get up quick, Shepard's coming."

Joe scrambled to his feet and held the rifle with it's barrel pointed down.

Shepard walked all the way up to them with a huge smile on his face. "Joe Schmoe, you're a god damn prodigy with a sniper rifle. My god, that was amazing."

"Uh… thanks Shepard." He said, giving a weak smile.

"Yeah, I mean damn. I swear one time you took two of them out with one shot! How did you do that?" He said, getting in close to Joe wrapping his arms around him.

"I guess he's just lucky, sir." Kaidan said, walking up to the group.

_HAH!_

"Yeah, Ashley, you could learn a thing or two from Joe. Hell, maybe I'll bring you aboard the Normandy so that Schmoesterson here can whip you into being a decent soldier."

Ashley plastered on a smile, but underneath she was obviously a half-inch away from taking the gun and smacking him upside the head with it. Repeatedly. "Gee, thank you sir."

"Think nothing of it."

**Grrys: Hurro! And welcome to another exciting edition of Duhmass Effect's Author's Notes! I'm Grrys, and I'm here to give you absolutely nothing about the next chapter!**

**S7: Well, considering that we write this the day of the upload and then post them, none of us know what's coming.**

**T117: We make most of it up as we go, and then burst out laughing at the sheer ridiculousness of this story.**

**Siiea: Well,**_** I**_** spend most of my time correcting your errors.**

**Grrys: I make none!**

**Siiea: … uh-huh.**

**S7: And the reviews definitely make us want to continue this. That being said, we are a bit divided down the middle on where we want to go with some story aspects. Basically, do you guys want some romance or not?**

**Siiea: Romance is always a good thing, because then you can tear it away at a moment's notice and ruin the character's life!**

**T117: Yeah, but at the same time, this...genre/style of story seems like it wouldn't be conductive to something like that. Not that I'm opposed to the whole 'ruining the character's life' thing.**

**Grrys: Given that we're trying to make fun on SI fics, and SI fics ALWAYS have the SI romance their waifu, Joe gets NOTHING!**

**T117: Yeah, but that's not really an SI thing, so much as just fiction in general.**

**S7: Anyway, how about we just let the readership decide? That way, if we get attacked for it, we can say that it's not our fault because they wanted it that way.**

**Grrys: On one hand yes, on the other no. Too many cooks spoil the stew, but they DO have some great ideas sometimes.**

**T117: I dunno, in my experience polls have been kinda... underwhelming in terms of how many people voted for them.**

**Siiea: I've actually gotten a decent response on my poll.**

**S7: I'm saying we do this by reviews. Just to write their thought that way and post it. Then, we can see who's the majority but also take into consideration who has the better points.**

**Grrys: I refuse to vote! Wait, I already did… meh, I'll just eat the last donut again. *nom***

**Siiea: What kind of donut is it?**

**Grrys: Mmmph mmph mmmmph mmph *swallow* pig.**

**T117:...Like a donut with bacon on it?**

**Grrys: Overrated. And I NEVER question bacon. And no, pig, not bacon. Complete with *takes another bite* mmmmph mmmmph mmmmmmmmmmmph mmmph mph.**

**S7:... Well, on that note. Lets get this wrapped up. 1473I2.**

**T117: Sayonara.**

**Grrys: Sorry, what?**

**Siiea: ...damnit, now I want a donut.**


	4. Beacon-Bey con- BACON!

_I almost want to just skip ahead some, but I know my fans will get annoyed. Plus, I like this Shepard. He's actually interesting. He makes Kaidan take strange notes and he treats Ashley like she's shit. Little sexist, but it's funny. Frank says that humor makes everything better. Except horror. Don't make that funny._

Joe followed Shepard to the spaceport where he found a turian in colossal armor, that he could only assume was Nihlus. "Oh shit, what happened to him?"

"Well, assuming from the fact that his face is half was blown off and there is a bullet entry point in the back of his skull, he was shot from behind; but the question is if it was a Geth or someone else…" Shepard said, getting a surprised look from Joe and Ashley.

"Uh, really?" Ashley asked, obviously surprised that Shepard was coherent enough to read a battleground like this.

"Yes. It almost looks as if the shot was fired from close range, possibly even point blank, suggesting that he probably knew his attacker." Shepard replied, crouching down next to Nihlus' corpse. "If he was tense, he would have muscle tissue and skin hanging down in the entry point. The fact that there is none suggests he was relaxed and let down his guard."

"Theories on who could've done this Commander?" Kaidan asked, picking up on his CO's intuition.

"...No clue." He shrugged. "Might've had something to do with that giant-ass ship we saw taking off earlier though. Actually, quickly, read me off some of the notes I told you to write down."

Kaidan looked at the others as if asking for help, before sighing and bringing up his omni-tool. "Lets see, why isn't grass blue? Popperclops. Remember to move the chairs around in the lunch area. Popperclops. Somehow, the link to the fornax site is also on here. Finally, there is a list of people named Soren High on different planets. Finally, we should start a gang called the Batmans."

"...I felt like there was more than that."

"I skipped the three additional repeats of Popperclops."

"Hm, lets see. Blue grass, there has to be a correlation here." Shepard said, beginning to pace back and forth. "Nihlus, wouldn't let his guard down unless it was someone he trusts. Often times, we trust people with funny names… names like Soren. But Nihlus wouldn't trust just anyone, no he only would trust someone on the same level as him. That's gotta mean that it was a fellow Batman! No wait, another Spectre… Kaidan, pull up a list of Spectres wit in their names and the color blue."

"...Assuming _any _of that is right, they don't have a public list for Spectres I could search."

"Then think, there has to be some high profile ones out there. Ones like… like… like-"

"Saren?" Joe offered, thinking of the only Spectre he could remember.

_Well, I'd hope he'd remember the first game's main villain!_

"That's it! Kaidan, do a search on people named Saren!" Shepard ordered.

"There is no way it will work." He sighed.

"First off, I outrank you, so do it. Second, bet you a hundred credits it does work."

"You're on, because there is no way that- holy shit there actually is a Spectre named Saren."

"I bet you a million credits now that he is our culprit here." Shepard gambled.

"Neither of us even have a million credits, and this doesn't prove anything!"

"Then take the bet." Shepard prodded, giving Kaidan a narrow gaze.

"Okay, fine. Million credits that it wasn't Saren."

"Uh, guys?" Ashley got their attention. "Two things. First off, how are we going to find out if it was Saren either way? Secondly, someone's trying to hide behind those crates but not doing a very good job because he's failing at suppressing his laughter."

The commander popped a grenade off his belt and tossed it back behind the crates. "Get out in the open or I detonate that."

The guy shot up with a look of panic as the grenade was stuck to his chest. "I don't want any trouble guys. I was just hiding so I didn't get shot by the Geth."

"Won't that go off on it's own after a while?" Ashley asked.

The guy practically ripped his shirt off and threw it as far as possible, grenade still beeping.

"Ah great, someone hand me another grenade." Shepard ordered, holding his hand back to the others.

"Why? He's already out here." Joe asked.

"...That's a good point Joe." Shepard pointed his pistol at the guy's head. "So, how long were you back there?"

"Uh, uh…since the attack started." The guy stammered, gulping.

"So, you saw what happened to Nihlus?"

"Yeah! It was another Turian that shot him!" The guys said, his arms up to show he wasn't hostile.

"Another Turian you say." Shepard said, giving Kaidan a raised eyebrow. "And did you happen to catch this Turian's name?"

"Uh...if I say it was Saren, do I get a share of your credits?"

"Doesn't change the fact that I don't have a million credits." Kaidan said, hoping that the civilian wouldn't say Saren.

"Well, the weird thing is the guy down there actually did call the other Turian Saren." The dock worker said.

"Hm, interesting." The commander stored his weapon. "Alright, loot grab time. What do you got for us?"

"Uh, what?"

"Oh, please. I've seen enough movies and played enough video games to know where this goes. Either you have some ordinance for us that will be significant in the future or a temporary upgrade that will get us through the mission. Whatever it is, better give it up now."

"What?"

"Or, I can just shoot you for jollies, and you provide me a moral boost." He shrugged. "I'm not picky."

"Commander, last time you shot a civilian for 'withholding' equipment, you found yourself hanging upside down from a high-rise building back on Earth." Kaidan said.

"And I survived with only minor brain damage while the other guy was paste on the sidewalk. In fact, I think the brain damage made me better. I see things for what they really are now." He clicked the safety on his gun for added urgency. "Upgrades or experience boost. Your choice."

"Hey, what do you know? I just found the 'upgrades' you were talking about." He reached down and set a grenade upgrade on the crate. "Here you go."

He swiped it up and synced it to his omni-tool. "Good, now do you know where any other civilians are?"

"Up there on that hill in the storage shed! And they were smuggling stuff for me! If you go up there, you'll get way more upgrades!"

_So _that's _what I forgot...That, and it's been too long since something unfortunate happened to Joe. Let's change that, shall we?_

Kaidan walked close to Joe and leaned in close to whisper to him. "I'll forgive you for killing Jenkins if you can talk some sense into Shepard."

"Why can't you do it?" Joe whispered back.

"Because I can hear you, and I don't listen to Alenko. By the way, remind me to sharpen my axe when we get back to the Normandy." Shepard said in their general direction.

"Uh...You _can't _sharpen an omni-axe, Commander." Kaidan responded.

"That's just what the fancy-pants code monkeys want you to believe." He said, before taking off and leaping over the side of the space port. "Also, write that part down for later and popperclops. Don't worry, I'll know what it means!"

"Okay, writing it down." Kaidan sighed.

"Alenko, I can still see you, and you're not doing it." Shepard said as the others ran to him.

"...I'm using a new invisible omni-tool app." Kaidan responded sarcastically, bringing up his omni-tool and shooting Shepard a withering glare when he turned away.

"There is no such thing as an invisible omni-tool Kaidan. That would be impractical on the battlefield because you wouldn't be able to tell where the buttons and screens are. What do you think I am, an idiot?"

"No. An idiot would've done the universe a favor and died by now." Ashley muttered quietly.

Eventually, Joe and the others caught up to Shepard as he "hacked" into the door. "Can you guys hear the screams in there? Someone is attacking them!"

"...So _that's _your first name? 'Someone?' I always wondered what it was." Kaidan shrugged.

"What? No. My first name is-" The door was suddenly blown off carrying Shepard back and slamming into Kaidan and Joe.

"We're under attack!" Shepard said, pulling a grenade from his belt and priming it to throw.

"Oh shit, they're not Geth!"

"Don't shoot! Don't shoot!" All the civilians said, cowering in the back of the containment unit.

"...So can I still throw the grenade then?" Shepard asked.

"No!" Kaidan said, knocking it out of his hands. "You've reached your quota on terrorizing civilians for today."

"No, I haven't. I've only terrorized two today besides these guys." The commander said, backhanding Kaidan before getting up off Joe.

"...Oww." Joe said weakly, having had a couple ribs broken from the force of having about two hundred and fifty pounds of armored marine propelled into him.

"Oh, come on Joe, you can walk it off." Shepard chided, pulling him back to his feet. "Anyway, civilians, power-ups. The guy down at the spaceport said you got something that I want."

They all looked at each other before one of them placed a pistol on the ramp, causing it to slide down away from them. "This is all we have!"

He walked over and took up the pistol, giving it a good look. "Alright, looks decent. How'd you get it?"

"The guy down there gave it to us."  
"Wait a minute-" Ashley looked at it. "Is that a...That's a gun from our last shipment! You were taking the guns from the soldiers here?!"

For the first time since he landed, Joe saw Shepard take a serious look. "You were taking things from the military that was here to protect you?"

"Well uh...I wouldn't say it _exactly _like that." One of them said nervously, wringing his hands.

"Anyone see where my grenade landed?" Shepard said, not taking his eyes off the civilians as his finger slowly slid inside the trigger guard.

"Shepard, are you sure that you should…?" Joe asked, shrinking away as Shepard

He looked at Joe and then back at the people in the container. "Ashley, how many were in your squad?"

"Six, counting me."

With cold calculating accuracy, Shepard fired five shots at the civilians, crippling all three of them with shattered kneecaps. "There. It may not be a twenty-one gun salute for each one, but it will have to do."

"We had one gun! How do we deserve that?!" One yelled in pain.

"... Kaidan, you record that?"

"Already done, sir."

"Good, now we have proof that you stole from the Alliance and I handled you like the enemies you are." Shepard announced before turning around and retaking his cheery disposition. "Alright, lets keep going!"

"...So why didn't you also shoot the guy down there?" Ashley pointed at the spaceport. "Actually, I think I see him walking away now...hey, Joe, can I borrow 'your' sniper rifle for a moment?"

Joe took it off his back and held it out to her. "Uh, here you go."

"Give him a second asshole to drain the shit he's filled with." Shepard said, his evil side showing again.

"...I don't know if I can make that shot from the angle he's at, so-" She fired twice, and even from a distance Joe could see blood splattering from his legs and hear the scream as he dropped to the ground. "There. Now we can go down there and you can take all the time we want lining up that shot."

_Frank! They're all going homicidal! How can I keep them that way? … Figures that he'd just ignore me. It's like, ever since he got 'big' he forgot us little people who helped get him there. _

"If we still have time, sure."

Joe ran in front of them all and put his hands out. "Wait, what the hell are you doing?!"

Shepard and Ashley stopped and looked at him in question. "Taking care of the bad guys."

The loser began to shrink away but something stopped him from that and forced him to stand up. "Guys, we are supposed to be the good guys. Does knee capping struggling farmers and shooting dock workers because they tried to make a little money on the side sound like something the good guys do?"

"...Fine, we'll skip giving him a new asshole." Shepard sighed. "I'm still gonna kick him in the balls though."

_When did Joe grow a pair?_

"But uh...then you might get blood on your boots. And we've gotta get to the spaceport before uh, Saren gets away?" He said, trying to get them moving.

All three canon characters stopped, looked at Joe, thought for a moment, and agreed with his suggestion. The three of them ran onwards, leaving the civilians to bleed out. Joe looked at him before turning back and runs to the civilians and hands them a cannister of medigel that he got off a Geth before.

"Here, this should help." He said, handing it to the one that only got one knee shot.

"Thanks."

"You know what woulda helped more? If you kept those assholes from shooting us in the first place!"

"Sorry, but I'm still kinda dealing with broken ribs on top of suddenly being transported to a fictional universe where I promptly killed somebody when I was trying to help them. I think I'm in shock." Joe said, standing up to run back to everyone.

"...What?"

_Did he just… Joe, you're such an idiot...I mean, I knew that, that's the whole reason you're the schmuck that I brought in here, but I didn't think you were _that _much of an idiot. Then again, I did give you severe head trauma from the door… Nah, it couldn't be my fault._

**S7: Cut, print, check the tape, we are moving on.**

**Grrys: *nom***

**S7: Did you just eat the stuff we wrote down for chapter four?**

**Grrys: No, I just finished the last donut. Where'd the paper go?**

**S7: I don't know… Where is Trebor?**

**T117: Yeah, uh...Let's pretend, hypothetically speaking...my dog ate it when I wasn't looking.**

**Siiea: At least I can say I was legitimately sick.**

**S7: I just don't wanna write this alone because I get headaches easily right now. Granted, I have been getting them less recently. Ask me why...**

**Grrys: I once had chronic headaches, but then I gained weight. Which I've now lost.**

**T117: Because you haven't been hanging out with me as often? **

**S7: Part of the reason, but also the hospital decided to write off my entire debt. That's four-thousand-five-hundred dollars at least.**

**T117: Really? That's awesome, but how'd that happen?**

**S7: Well, it's simple. I am college rich. In other words, I'm really poor but have enough to live slightly better than the average college student whose parents aren't helping him pay for schooling.**

**Grrys: As one of those students, dammit.**

**Siiea: As one of the students with a mother who loves me enough to put up with me for a few more years, yay!**

**Grrys: Once again: dammit.**

**T117: I still don't see how that got them to write off the cost…because you can't afford to pay them or...some sorta insurance/tax thing maybe?**

**S7: It's a tax thing. They get paid by the government for treating one of its residents. And plus since it is the beginning of the tax year, they hand this stuff out like candy.**

**Grrys: I'm… I'm just going to go fill out more job applications…**

**T117: And I gotta figure out whether or not I'm taking summer classes still. I'd need to in order to keep working at the campus store, but I need to figure out if it'd cost more than I'd make back.**

**S7: Well, look into different jobs just to see what is more viable. Maybe a game store job.**

**Grrys: Dammit!**

**Siiea: Man… I am so damn lucky. I don't really need to worry about shit like this.**

**S7: What? Do you get a ride in a limo to school every day too?**

**Siiea: ...no. My mom just has a good job. I still walk home and shit.**

**T117: Luckily I live close to the campus, so I don't need to drive that often.**

**Grrys: I'm just… Let's just sign off.**

**T117: Yeah, not a bad idea. We've kept our readers waiting long enough as is.**

**Siiea: Alright, I've got some things to get back to… DA:I here I come!**

**T117: Sayonara.**

**S7:1473I2.**

**Grrys: Sorry we got all personal on you readers! We'll see you… Is that a zombie over there?**


	5. Hallucination Nation

_Okay, so let's see what's left on the agenda...let's see...beacon, Joe getting hurt, arriving at the Citadel, Joe getting slapped...and if there's time, Joe getting shot. Okay, now that we've got a game plan, people...be duhmasses. _

"Oh, there you are Joe! I thought you'd gotten lost! You can get lost easily around here." Shepard said as Joe came into his view.

"I was uh...looking to make sure there weren't more Geth. How about you go on the train and go take care of things on the other side, and I'll go look uh...that way?"

"Nonsense Joe, that dock worker can still walk. I'm sure he can defend everyone." The commander said, pulling Joe onto the transport. "Now, let's get going."

"Are you sure? I think he might need backup." Kaidan said. "And someone as _talented_ as Joe would be perfect."

"Nope. I've made my mind up. He's coming. End of story. Lets go!"

"Seriously, the edge of the platform isn't that far. I can still throw him back over there with my biotics."

"Kaidan, do not make me make you do pushups...also, write that down."

"You want me to write down you threatening me to do push-ups?"

"Yes. And also popperclops. Actually, no. I take that back, just write down the popperclops thing. I'll know what it means."

"Commander, you already have had me write popperclops down twenty-six times in the last hour _alone_. Do you really need me to write down a twenty-seventh?"

"Kaidan, don't be stupid. I've had you write it down twenty-eight times. Geez, learn to count."

"I think you're missing the point of my question." He said, dejected.

"You have a choice. Either write it down, or do pushups, and I'll make you write it down anyway...no, actually, choice over, you're just going to do both."

"You know what? No! I'm not going to do the push-ups, or write it down! It's a stupid word that only you know the meaning of and doesn't make a difference to the mission and doing push-ups in a warzone is illogical and to make me do it is unethical. Hell, just ordering that can get you demoted and I have all the evidence since I record all our missions."

"And I'm the one who _approves _all the reports on said missions, since Anderson hates doing it. And if you keep trying to blackmail a superior officer, I'll start modifying them to mention how much you like kicking puppies we find in the middle of the battlefields. Then we'll see who demotes who. Especially since I outrank you, so I could just demote you myself."

"Ah… ah… You would- Nevermind, you totally would." He said, shaking his head.

"Now then, I was only going to make you do _two _pushups, but since you were a whiny little bitch about it, let's bump it up to three."

"Oh, I never said I was going to do them. I just agreed you will demote me after this and honestly, I don't care. Maybe I can get off your ship if I'm demoted enough."

"You realize if you just did the three push-ups he might shut up?" Ashley pointed out. "Hell, you should at least be able to do three girly push-ups if nothing else."

"I could probably do three girly push-ups." Joe mused.

"Joe, I appreciate the input, but I'm busy with a disciplinary issue right now."  
"Good lord, how much longer is this stupid train going to take?" Ashley groaned, looking over her shoulder.

"Why do you think we're arguing like this? It helps pass the time. Plus, when it comes to conversations between me and Kaidan, I'm always right, so that's even better."

"You're almost _never _right." Kaidan rolled his eyes.

"Or maybe you're just stupid."

"No, it's because you are a completely incompetent leader but we have to put up with you because you have the best charisma in the world with our higher ups."

_Sheesh, wall of dialogue much? Then again...there's not much else to do on the train._

"Kaidan, how many times have _you _been in charge of a squad?"

"Less than you." He answered spitefully.

"Well there you go. If it were even needed, more proof I'm better than you."

"Oh, fuck off." Kaidan said, walking over and grabbing the railing. "Not like you don't have a giant fornax library on hand."

"Yeah, for the articles." Shepard said, beginning to get offended. "Eh, doesn't matter. Just another reason I'm the best leader."

" Golly gee, commander! You sure are humble, eh." Kaidan said, mocking him.

"Yeah I'm humble. I'm just so fucking humble. Way, way more than; Ashley, Joe… and you, actually minus Joe combined."

"...Seriously, are you sure he's actually a commander and not some nutjob who just found N7 armor?" Ashley said, glancing at Kaidan.

"That's the most popular theory on the Normandy at the moment, but personally I prefer the theory that he's a defective clone of an inbred monkey."

"Heh, heh. No Kaiden, I...am not your father."

Joe just _had _to give him a fistbump for the burn. "You want some cooling maple syrup for that burn, eh Kaidan?"

"Commander, look-" Kaidan was cut off as a sniper shot clipped his shoulder plate cutting the conversation short.

"I'm reading a fuckton of Geth, and several bombs! Kaidan, get the bombs! Joe and…" he sighed, "Ashley, you two will help me kill the Geth."

"Ummm, may I just hide in a corner and hope I don't get shot?" Joe asked, gun shaking in his puny baby like hands.

"After what you did to the drones in the small wooded area? No way, hell you should take point. I mean, you should but you won't because I'm always on point."

"Oh thank god." Kaidan muttered. "Maybe he'll help you the way he did Jenkins."

"Can I get some details on that some time soon?" Ashley asked.

"No time! Shoot Geth!"

Shepard took off up the ramp, brandishing a shotgun as he charged. He ran into the first Geth and put the barrel of his gun right to the Geth's gun and fired, taking its entire midsection with it. The next one to come at him was dropped immediately with a quick grenade toss.

Joe did the logical thing, and just hid behind Ashley, pretending to fire his gun. Kaidan stuck to cover, occasionally taking shots and

doing his best to make his way to the nearest bomb.

_Okay, before one of you fanboys yell at me for putting something that really shouldn't come in until Mass Effect 2...I don't care._

An invisible Geth suddenly snuck up on Joe, but for some reason instead of shooting him, it slammed the butt of its rifle into his head. It stood over Joe as he put his hands up over his face, accidently sending it flying with biotics.

The radio crackled to life as Joker called down from the Normandy. "Hey, uh, Commander, something just flew up from the surface and we ran into it. What was it?"

"Joe sent a Geth into orbit biotically." Shepard answered as he 'hacked' a Geth.

"...Who's Joe?"

"Really awesome guy. He's joining the crew." Shepard now had his sniper out and firing. He took a Geth right through the eye.

"Oh… kay… Did you clear that with Captain Anderson?"

"He'll agree with me when he meets them...also, can you tell him to get a funeral detail ready for Jenkins?"

"What happened to Jenkins?!"

"That's what I'd like to know…" Ashley trailed off as she pulled out her shotgun and shot a Geth in the neck.

"Who's that?!"

"Oh, just some crazy soldier we picked up… she's _not _coming with us." Shepard said, his sniper rifle back up and pulling out his pistol. "Now, shut up and let me finish these Geth."

"Wait, did you just say GETH!?" Joker said in surprise.

"Bombs are disarmed." Kaidan said as he entered the conversation.

"BOMBS?!"

"Joker, can I call you back?" Shepard asked, hanging up before he could respond. "Joe, focus on the destroyer!"

"Destroyer?" Joe said in fear as he turned around to see a giant Geth charging him. "Oh. Shit."

The robot attacked him and punched Joe in the gut, making him drop to his knees in pain. Next, he grabbed Joe by the hair and wound up to punch him in the face. The pathetic waste of space, however, had other plans as he brought up his pistol and shot the giant in the eye, blinding it.

The robot dropped Joe in confusion only to be turned into swiss cheese as he continuously fired his pistol. "Fuck shit piss ass hell bastard bitch fuck fucking fucker shit!"

"...Kaidan, when you get a sec, write that down!" Shepard shouted.

He stopped moving and crumpled to the ground prompting Joe to let out a sigh of relief. "Never again."

_Many more times. MANY!_

Joe just lay there for a second, catching his breath before Shepard grabbed his shoulder and pulled him up. "Great job Joe, that looks to be the last of them. I now dub thee: Sailor Joe!"

"What?"

"Like Sailor Moon… wait, I guess that would make you Sailor Eden Prime… Just don't wear a school girls outfit and get naked before combat, please."

"Nothing like that in my plans for the future…"

"Name still fits him though, with a mouth like that." Ashley commented.

"I think I might actually write that down." Kaidan brought up his omni-tool. "I kinda want to remember that for the future."

"Ah, c'mon guys…" Joe said, already losing his confidence.

"Alright, anybody see where the beacon is?" Shepard asked.

"Over there." Kaidan said, indicating a doorway next to a bomb. "You know, the giant _glowing green __glowing__ thing? _Kinda hard to miss."

Shepard looked at it suspiciously. "That's a bit too convenient. I mean seriously, who makes something that noticeable… It's got to be a trap."

"...From who?" Ashley scratched her head. "The Geth? Doesn't seem their style."

"No, but since we know we're after a veteran _Spectre_…"

"But, if he's a veteran Spectre, why would he make a trap _this _obvious?" Kaidan commented.

"What if it's not a trap and he just forgot to hide it?" Joe asked.

"More likely he didn't have _time _to hide it with us on his heels." Shepard said thoughtfully. "I wouldn't blame him for wanting to run away before I could kick his ass into next Tuesday."

The commander patted Joe on the back and started walking toward it. "Stay close. I might need the backup."

"...Think he'd notice if I got as far away as possible?" Joe muttered to the other two. He remembered how this part of the game worked at least, and didn't want to be anywhere near that thing when it exploded.

"I CAN HEAR YOU."

"...Is there like, a radio somewhere in this thing I need to turn off, or does he just have really good hearing?"

"BOTH!"

"Ugh, alright, lets go." Joe said, walking a few steps behind Shepard.

"So you want to go _near _the weird glowing thing that we don't know what it does?" Ashley commented.

"That also is probably a trap?" Kaidan added.

"Kaidan, Ashley you wanna know why I'm a commander and you're just a pair of grunts?"

"And why is that commander?" His lieutenant asked with heavy sarcasm.

"Because you don't have the balls to take risks." He said, boldly walking towards the beacon, dragging Joe along with him.

Once he got close, the beacon lit up with a giant beam pulling Shepard in. He reached back in reaction trying to break the beacon's grasp. Instead, he took Joe by the arm and pulled the sad loser in with him. The two of them began to struggle and pull away until finally the beacon took hold and lifted them up, pumping their mind full of disgusting, gut wrenching, and sometimes delicious looking images.

_..._Delicious_ looking? Damnit Spell check! Screw it, too lazy to change it, moving on. Yes, I have spell check. My spelling isn't prefect._

_ They passed out, yada yada, Kaidan and Ashley rushed over, Kaidan calling the Normandy, yada yada, you get the picture, cut, wrap, print. Authors, do the A/N thing._

**Grrys: Sorry, what? *BANG* Zombie invasion over here. *BANG***

**T117: Sometimes I question how we write stuff like this fic, then you guys immediately answer it.**

**Grrys: Here, have a shotgun. *BANG* Okay, now have it.**

**T117:...We talking fast zombies where anywhere works, or the good zombies where you gotta get em in the head?**

**Grrys: Take a *BANG guess as to why I'm *BANG* taking my time *BANG* lining up my shots? *BANG***

**T117: Just *Bang* making sure.**

**S7: Hey, Grrys, I'm on the East side and running low on twelve gauge round. Mind sending Lane over with more?**

**Grrys: Sure. *BANG***

**S7: Thanks. You guys wouldn't believe how often shit like this happens in Idaho. Every play Prototype? That actually happened to Hope, Idaho.**

**Siiea: And it was the only thing that happened in Hope, Idaho.**

**Grrys: Shotgun? *BANG***

**Siiea: Nah, thanks. I have Molotovs.**

**Grrys: Don't throw *BANG* them! Flaming zombies can be dangerous! *BANG* Especially when you *click* douse them in a flammable liquid!**

**T117: Yeah, thanks, that's just what we needed is zombies that set fire to whatever they touch...for once, I wish Iron was here to send out as bait. **

**S7: Or we could send you out there. Not like you'll be missed.**

**T117: You **_**really **_**wanna say that to me while I'm holding a gun?**

**Grrys: *clickclickclick* NEXT SHOTGUN! *BANG*  
T117: Yeah, hope you got a backup plan besides these. **

**Siiea: The people of Hope didn't have a backup plan.**

**S7: I'm on the East side. You wanna come over here? Be my guest not like I don't have a- Oh shit! There's a big fat one about to charge!**

**T117: Your mom got turned into a zombie? My condolences.**

**Grrys: *BANG* Sorry, what? Did somebody see a *BANG* zombie?**

**T117: What exactly do you think we're shooting at? **

**Grrys: No, I'm *BANG* over my *BANG* because there's *BANG* fat one!**

**T117: Can we maybe end this A/N? It's getting hard to type and shoot at the same time. **

**S7: Sounds good. 1473I2**

**T117: Say- *Bang* Sayo-*BANG* *BANG BANG BANG* Sayonara!**

**Grrys: *clickclickclick* NEXT SHOTGUN! *BANG***

**Siiea: MOLOTOVS FOR EVERYONE!**


	6. Please Leave Sanity at the Door

Joe groggily opened his eyes and pushed off the bed. "Uh, what… what happened?"

"Ah, you're awake again." A voice answered from behind him, sounding fairly old.

He pushed himself off the table and rubbed his eyes. "Uh, what?"

"You've been unconscious for about half an hour. And another half hour before that. And fourteen hours before _that._"

"Wait, why was the first two half hours split up? Don't you mean I was asleep for fifteen hours?""

"Combined you were, but the first time after the fourteen hours, you woke up, tried to get up, and fell out of bed on your face and knocked yourself out. Then after you were out cold from that for half an hour you woke up, sat up, and clobbered yourself with the monitor above your bed."

"I… God, I'm pathetic." He commented, looking at the ground.

_Yes, good, good, give into the patheticness. It is your destiny muhahuha!... What? I've been rewatching Star Wars cause I'm excited for the new one. You know you are too!_

He pushed off the bed and started walking toward the door on his right. "So, where am I supposed to go?"

"I believe Captain Anderson would like to speak with you. I'll let him know you're awake… please try to _stay _awake this time."

"Yeah, no problem." He said, looking down at the ground.

She made a noise like she was unconvinced as she walked out of the room. A few moments later, a tall black man walked into the room towering over Joe, with one of the most badass voices he had ever heard. "So, you must be the biotic Shepard told our pilot about."

He looked down at the ground, confidence dwindling. "Yeah… that's me…"

He crossed his arms. "Shepard said he wanted you to join the-"

"Oh, how much did I have to drink last night?" Shepard moaned from a cot behind Joe. "I don't remember taking body shots… oh, sup Joe."

Joe raised his hand and waved to Shepard for a second but his hand fell pretty quick. "Hey Shepard."

Anderson shook his head. "Doctor, how are they looking for the vitals?"

"Shepard checks out normal… well, for him at least. And Joe seems fine aside from a minor concussion from when he knocked himself out the second time."

He just made himself smaller after that statement.

"Okay… Shepard, how are you feeling?"

"Remember how I was after shore leave on Elysium that one time? Only slightly better than that."

"...You'd just fought an entire battle against batarian raiders, and yet you feel your current state is on the same level?"  
"Okay, so maybe more like after Torfan, since I didn't outright win this time."

Joe looked at Anderson and Shepard. "Wait, you're the Butcher and the Hero?"

"I'm also a lone survivor after a fubar mission that was attacked by Thresher Maws. It's a pretty long resume."

Joe's jaw dropped. "How did you pull that off?"

"Bullets, grenades… a baseball bat once or twice… you know, the usual badass stuff."

"Shepard is one of our greatest soldiers." Anderson pointed out. "He has only lost four soldiers on account of his ability to survive and… moderately succeed at worst."

"Four?" Shepard counted on his fingers. "Uh, actually sir, I'm up to five now, counting Jenkins… unless, wait, are we counting-"

"If we counted _that _you'd be at forty-seven. But since that was before we promoted you to commander, we can't hold you as accountable."

"Yeah, bet at least one of those bastards would have survived if I'd been in charge that day."

"What about his-" Joe began.

"Somewhere around a million." Anderson cut him off, answering the obvious question.

_I fail to see how that's obvious! I'm curious!...Meh, I'll let it slide, give him something back in return. If I go balls to the walls torturing him _now, _I could run out of ideas later. _

"KAIDAN!" Shepard suddenly shouted. "WRITE DOWN POPPERCLOPS!...Damnit, he's too far away to hear me...Joe, write that down for me, will you?"

He shot a look at Anderson that meant, loosely: 'please help me.'

All Anderson did was hand Joe a pen and pad of paper.

"...You could have used your omni-tool."

"Yes, but this way you can give the paper to Kaidan so he can write it down under Shepard's notes."

"...And this makes sense to you too, sir?" He asked Anderson, giving him the look again, _because it worked sooooo well last time, and you didn't learn a damn thing from it._

"Shepard is literally the one to go to when you need a military operation done right so I give him a lot of leniency." Anderson said.

"More than you should…" Dr. Chakwas said under her breath, but still loud enough that it could be heard by everybody else. Only Joe cared, which is the equivalent of a field mouse caring about what's happening on the bachelor. So he wrote down POPPERCLOPS because he got the feeling he'd end up in the brig or something if he didn't. That and he gave up on life.

"Anyway, Shepard, now Chakwas said that your beta brainwaves were going erratic while in R.E.M. sleep. Do you remember anything?"

"Bacon. That's it."

_Self-referential much? Wait…_

"...Okay, so what do you remember from the mission?"

"Death, terror, and a whole lot of evil, and that was before the dimethyltryptaminewore off."

"YOU WERE HIGH ON DMT?! WHILE ON A MISSION?!" Joe yelled. "...Wait… that actually makes way more sense than if you were sober during all that."

"Yeah, Jenkins and I dropped it before we dropped onto the planet."

"...And again, you're letting this slide?" He did the wimp version of a glare at Anderson.

"Again, he gets perfect results when he succeeds, and excellent results when he fails."

"Anyway, it was pretty cut and dry for something that goes fubar before it even begins. Geth attacked, we hit them back with better one-liners, we got the bacon, I mean beacon and it mind raped me… tenderly."

"Geth?"

"Out of everything he just said, the part you take note of is, is Geth?" Chakwas commented.

"Yeah, tons of them. In different colors and height. Even saw some of their drones before Joe here blasted them down."

Anderson looked at Joe, then back at Shepard, then back to Joe. "Are _you _actually able to fight in any way whatsoever, or was that part of the drugs?"

"Well… technically… Honestly, I sucked it up like a dime store hooker."

"Nonsense Joe, you did amazing for a random guy we picked up in the middle of the woods. Hell, that biotic spear thing you did was so cool. I swear, it was worth like, eighteen style points… way better than anything Kaidan did during the mission… mutinous bastard. Or that so-called '_trained' _soldier Ashley."

"I dunno Shepard, Ashley at least had a good one liner." Joe pointed out.

"_No_, she did not. She stole one of mine, and kept shooting stuff after I told her not to."

"Did he actually blast a drone, or was that the drugs?" Anderson cut in, though he was looking at Joe.

"Actually, I did take out some Geth drones." Joe said, ripping off the top page of the pad. "... Accidently."

"Don't worry, that's how Shepard does most things."

"Hey, I mean to do what I do, when I do it!" Shepard responded. "And also… goddamnit, what was that other thing I meant to tell you… oh yeah… POPPERCLOPS!... Wait, no, that wasn't it. Joe, write that down."

"Okay…?"

"Oh yeah, it was the vision I saw."

"And what was it about?"

"I don't know, it was a vision, they are rarely ever clear when you first see them Anderson. But if you must know, it looked like a bunch of giant robotic squids doing laser fucking some other aliens like shit you only read about in really bad storytelling... from Canada… and occasionally in Fornax, which is mostly gonzo"

"...And you had this *vision* while high on _DMT_."

"No. That had worn off by then, I could tell because the dragon flew back to the sky castle, and Kaidan stopped being polkadotted. Also, Saren."

"Saren? Sounds evil to me."

"He is."

"Hmm." Anderson started rubbing his chin before walking off toward the door. "Alright, start getting a team together to join us on the Citadel. We will be reporting your findings to the Council."

"Joe's coming with."

"What." Joe and Chakwas said at once.

He put his arm around Joe and smiled. "C'mon, you think I'd leave you behind?"

"Not so much as _think, _rather hope." He muttered. "... I killed Jenkins on purpose."

Shepard looked down at him for a second and then to Chakwas. "Chakwas, get Gunnery Chief Williams in here."

_Dr. Hacksaw did just that._

"You wanted to see me, Commander?" Ashley asked as she entered the medical bay.

"Yes, Joe here… Showed that he understands the rules when being on the mission so well, you need to take a few notes from him. Hell, he literally killed a man so that he didn't break the rules."

"... What." Everyone else responded.

_Is he joking? I hope he's joking._

"If there's one thing I respect aside from being a badass, it's respecting the rules."

"I'm fairly certain that killing somebody is against the rules if they're on your side."

"Except he wasn't really on our side until after he killed him, so it's pretty much a grey area."

_Nope, he's not joking. Oh sweet mother of Carl Sagan, I just can't get a read on that guy._

"...Ashley, please. Just shoot me. Mercy kill. Old Yeller. Hell, I'll call you a bitch if it'll motivate you. I'll call you worse than that if you want even. Whatever justification is needed."

"Williams, I'm ordering you to not shoot Joe. Ever."

"...Scalpel, over there, slit my throat."

"Williams, I'm ordering you _not to_ _kill _Joe. Or maim, or help to commit suicide, or do anything else that could theoretically lead to his death. Same goes for you, Doctor."

"Hippocratic Oath, Commander. I wouldn't anyway."

"Good." Shepard started to head out the door and waved for Ashley to follow him. "Come with me, we need to get your paperwork filled out."

"Paperwork?" She said, following him out.

Chakwas walked over to Joe and handed him a vial. "Here, this is a dose of ketamine. If you're ever one hundred percent sure you want the easy way out, I'll give you a syringe so that you can administer it yourself and I can claim you filched it yourself and didn't know you were allergic to it."

"Thanks. Wait, isn't that horse tranquilizer?" Joe asked.

"Actually, we use it as Krogan tranquilizer now... and on Shepard, which is why we've got plenty."

"You use _this_... on Shepard?"

"Yeah. At least once a week, and that's a good week. He has been exposed to so many different tranquilizers, narcotics, and hallucinogens that he has become immune to most of them. Ketamine still knocks him right out, though, then again Ketamine knocks out everything so that's what I still use on him."

"... Why not have him under all the time then?"

"The brass likes him. A little too much. Scratch that, way too much." She walked over and took a seat at her desk. "Honestly Joe, I think I pity you more than anyone else on this ship."

"Not for the reason that most do though, it's not because you are pathetic or inept, although for the record I do think both of those adjectives apply to you. It's because Shepard has chosen you for the object of his affection. Not love per se, but in a fanatical obsession. The last person he had this for… was Jenkins. Hell, it might be that you killing him just made him transfer that affection to you."

"Wait, are you saying I killed Shepard's fandom so I became the center of his new fandom?"

_Yes, she did… Nothing can save you now..._

"It's a lot more complex than that Joe, but yes. Shepard is your number one fan."

**Grrys: I AM A SEXY SHOELESS GOD OF WAR!**

**T117:...What.**

**Grrys: My giant pile of dead zombies. Wait, that one's still moving… *BANG***

**T117: Oh, right, that zombie apocalypse time last time. Forgot about that.**

**S7: Get over it, it's been over for a while now.**

**T117: That's what I'm trying to do, but Grrys won't shut the hell up about it.**

**Grrys: I was only going to give it something resembling a footnote about it here while we moved on to whatever comes after us next.**

**S7: Okay, footnote, we survived but along the way we ran out of juice so we weren't able to upload for a while. Here, another chapter is out. Let's sign off and play Minecraft now. 1473I2.**

**T117: You PC users have fun with that. I'm Xbox only. Sayonara.**

**Grrys: I'd rather play Destiny...**


	7. Legally Screwed!

"Okay. How do I get him to stop?" Joe asked, knowing that Shepard's continued like of him could very well lead to his demise. He'd had enough close encounters to last a lifetime.

_Nah, not a life time. Maybe a month or something, but only if I was somehow inclined to be nice...then again, his lifespan is looking kinda short, so...eh, I guess it works out._

"The only way I know of is to have somebody kill you, since I doubt anyone's going to be able to kill him. You are the one that killed Jenkins, correct?" Dr. Chakwas asked.

"Yes…"

"So either get somebody to kill you or live with Shepard's affection for the rest of your life."

_The second is going to happen regardless! And really, so is the first one. _

"...No wonder you can scramble your name up to spell 'hacksaw'. You're the most pessimistic person I've met all day."

"Military doctors tend to be pessimists, so I assure you that it's nothing personal. And in about a minute, Shepard is going to want Kaidan to take another note, so you'd best make sure that they stay in order."

"Does it matter when ninety percent of it is just a nonsense word repeated over and over?"

"Hell if I know. Look, I have a lot to get done and I think it's time you got out of here. Why don't you head out there and thank Ashley Williams while you have a break. She is the one that carried you onto the ship so I could makes sure you didn't receive any serious trauma." Chakwas said, shooing him out.

"Yeah, I'll be sure to thank her for not leaving me there to die and instead indirectly letting my life continue as a living hell." He muttered under his breath.

_God, can you be any more pessimistic? Oh wait, I can make you be...though on the other hand, it might be kinda fun to make you an optimist, and then slowly break you into a pessimist...nah, that's just too much work. Simpler to just torture you the old fashioned way. Unless I change my mind._

Joe's shoulders slumped and he walked out of the medbay and out into the dining area where everything looked like a rave. It was all so stupidly designed that Joe figured he didn't want to walk too far for fear he might stub his toe or accidentally knock something over. So, instead of walking anywhere, he went and sat down at the table. _Like a pathetic douchebag._

"You ain't looking too worse for wear." Kaidan said, taking a seat across from Joe.

"Too bad. If I looked how I felt...no, Shepard would probably take me along even if I did look like that, who am I kidding..."

"At least he isn't going to make you write things down at the most random and inconvenient times."

"Oh, yeah, here." Joe remembered, handing Kaidan the notepad.

"Damnit." He sighed, looking at it and bringing up his omni-tool. "Screw it, I'm just taking a picture and adding that to the file… at least you've got decent handwriting."

"Thanks, I think that's the first thing you have said that's nice about me."

"Well, you DID kill a friend of mine."

"It's not like I tried to! It was an accident! I'm not used to having biotics!"

"... What?" Kaidan said in disbelief.

"Before suddenly appearing on Eden Prime, I didn't have biotics. I just sat around online, occasionally going to my job so that the toothpaste containers would have caps."

"... What."

"Kaidan, I'm a loser and I am a clutz. The fact that I'm alive right now is by all means a miracle of God or a play by the devil."

_I'll accept either name._

"Honestly, you aren't that bad. Doesn't mean I like you but you do have biotic 'potential.'"

"Does this mean you'll help me learn to control my biotics?"

"No."

"I figured."

"Not because I dislike you, but because you're just as likely to end up throwing me out of the ship while trying to nudge a can as you are to actually move the can."

"Is there a way to restrain the biotics? You know, make them less strong so I have to work harder to use them?"

"Well, Chakwas has some biotic suppressants, so you couldn't do it on accident. But given that we're almost to the Citadel, and we're with Shepard, we're probably going to be doing some fighting, and you'd want them for that."

"Can you do that for me? She doesn't exactly want to talk to me right now."

"No."

"You are kinda an asshole." Joe said, getting up and walking away from Kaidan.

He immediately walked into and bounced off of Shepard, _who was in full armor, so he basically ran face first into a metal wall._

"Joe! I was wondering when you'd join the party! It is in your honor, after all!"

"Party?" He said, scared out of his mind now.

"Yeah! You're a full member of the crew now! Welcome to the Normandy!"

"...Does this mean I'm getting paid for this?"

"Don't be ridiculous! You'll get paid AFTER the adventure!"

"Standard policy when working with the Commander, Joe. You only get paid if you live." Kaidan said,standing up himself. "It saves a LOT of credits that way."

"That's not very reassuring…" Joe trailed off as Shepard shoved a cup in his hand and steered the lazy bum away from the conversation.

"Look Joe, the way I figure it. If you survive and do your job, you earned the pay. Plain and simple." John slapped Joe on the back, figuring he was being reassuring.

"Yeah, again, good to know. Look, I'm not much of a party guy so if we could just… not do this now. That would be in my best interest." Joe said, figuring it was the nicest way to put it.

"Oh, I see, yeah, I get it." Shepard nodded understanding. "You don't think we can throw a big enough party for your taste just between here and the Citadel. Alright, we can wait and throw a way bigger one later when we've got more time, since you talked me into it."

"... That's not what I- This isn't a code here. I legitimately don't want a party." Joe said, hoping it would get through his head.

"Right. No party." Shepard winked in an overly obvious way.

"If you throw a party, I will not enjoy it. At all. Not even a little bit."

"What if I invited Ashley?" He asked, in a strangely knowing way.

"I..uh, what?"

"Yeah, then we can spit on her!" A devilish grin showed on his face.

"Why the hell would I want to do that? She's the only reason I'm still alive with the way you keep trying to get me shot, exploded, killed or all three at once!"

"You realize that generally, being shot or 'exploded' tend to lead to dying, so that was really redundant?" Kaidan commented.

"Kaidan, write that down. I might need that for later." Shepard said, snapping and pointing to Kaidan.

He glared at Joe. "If you're going to be here, can you at least try to _not _give him more more crap to make me write down?"

"Sorry." The ship made a loud sound like depressurizing.

"And that sound means we've docked with the Citadel." Shepard said, turning to go. "Suit up, and get meet me at the airlock...and tell Ashley to suit up too." He sighed. "I tried to talk Anderson out of it, but since she was there, apparently she's supposed to be there to answer questions or something."

"I'll go get her." Kaidan answered, walking off toward a hallway.

"Oh, Kaidan. Give Joe a tour while you are going to get her. There isn't much to show but he might as well know his way around." Shepard half ordered and half suggested.

"Yeah, alright."

"Also, write down popperclops. I'll know what it means."

"Yes. Sir." Kaidan responded through grit teeth.

"See? Smiling while following orders, now that's the sorta attitude to have! Attaboy Kaidan."

Joe followed him fast and just managed to get on the elevator as it closed. "Yikes, almost closed that on me."

"Yeah, it would have been horrible if that happened." Kaidan sighed, obviously annoyed with Shepard.

"You… really don't like me do you?" Joe said, moving over and leaning against the rail to put distance between him and Kaidan.

"Oh, you picked up on that did you?"

"Yeah. Sorry." He looked at the ground, shrinking into the corner.

"It's nothing personal, it's just that that tends to happen in the military when someone kills a squadmate. On second thought, forget that first part."

"Does it make it hurt any less that I was trying to save him?" Joe asked.

"Do me a favor. If you ever try to _save_ me, just _save_ Shepard instead."

"... What's Shepard's first name?"

"He gives a different one every time he answers, if he answers at all."

"Why?"

"Because, Shepard is an enigma. Not only is it a wonder he can function in society but it's also a wonder when he makes women wet and his higher ups love him."

"...So, what you're saying is the entire Alliance military is fucked?"

"That's another thing. Shepard, for all I hate him for, is the most effective military leader in the universe. Again, a total enigma. No one knows why he's this good and no one really asks why. They just accept it."

_I wonder what would happen if I made Kaidan fall in love with him...I'd probably get a lot of women fans and make all the guys stop reading this because they'd be insecure in their masculinity. Also, Tali guarantees more views… Damn it internet. Give me creative liberty without consequence!_

"So you and I and Chakwas are the only people who think otherwise?"

"Only people I know that're still breathing."

"Hey, you can add a fourth person to that list now." Ashley said, seemingly materializing in front of them.

"Hey Ashley…" Joe said, feeling awkward.

"Hey Joe. Still having trouble figuring out why Shepard seems to think you're the best thing since sliced bread?"

"Because he's a lunatic, as we just established." Kaidan responded.

Joe rubbed the back of his head and thought about it. "I don't know. Maybe he sees something in me that no one else does."

"Like the ability to kill squad mates?"

"I'm still waiting for details on that." Ashley interjected.

"He tried _saving _him."

"Well, I meant to do it physically but I found out that moment that I had biotics."

"... Huh."

"Yeah, maybe Shepard just sees a sort of surrogate son." Kaidan commented. "You know, one he can turn just like him."

"Joe doesn't strike me as the suicidal sort."

"Wasn't I asking you to kill me just yesterday? And also like...ten minutes ago?"

"Nah, it's gotta be something else… Maybe Shepard is… infatuated with you, Joe."

"What? No! I mean, not that there'd be anything wrong with it if that's what it was, but no! Just no!"

"It would explain how he reads that much Fornax and claims to only read the articles." Kaidan mused.

Joe put his head in his hands. "Ugh, I hate today."

"I'd just like to point out that while you two lost and killed a single squadmate, respectively, I lost my _entire unit._ Just to put things in perspective for you."

_Uh, mopey mopey mopey. Alright, let's TIME SKIP. Lets see... Scroll scroll scroll. Ah, good, the meeting with the council. Good, this is what we all have been waiting for._

"Saren did it! He did the thing!" Shepard started.

"Shepard, they can't hear you yet. The holograms aren't on." Udina said, annoyed.

"Then turn them on!"

"Is it really necessary for him to be here?" He glowered at Anderson, eye twitching.

"Shepard is vital to our case. If we want Saren to get arrested, which we do, then we NEED Shepard to present evidence in our favor." Anderson replied.

"Yes. 'Evidence.'" Kaidan whispered to nobody in particular.

"Is Shepard probably going to do that nonsense deduction thing again?" Joe asked.

"Probably."

"That reminds me-"

"Let me guess, sir." Kaidan sighed. "'Write down popperclops, you'll know what it means'?"  
"Actually, I was going to say I want you to write down 'Saren sucks', but write that down too. I'll know what it means."

"I fail to see how you'll know what it means, Commander." Ashley said.

"It's all about the inflection, Williams. Inflection and-"

"Council's on." Udina interrupted.

"Saren did it! He did the thing!"

"...Hello Commander." The Asari said, unphased.

He coughed and righted himself. "Yes, hello counselor. How's your day going?"

"Fine but-"

"If I may cut you off there ma'am. We need to act fast. The Geth that attacked Eden Prime were lead by one of your Spectres named Saren Arterius. Now, while I understand it is baffling to think that someone you hand picked to be a guardian of the galaxy, but you must step back and look at his record. While I do regard your policy as innocent until proven guilty but you also must take into account past cases to weigh his true innocence." Shepard spouted, getting surprised looks from everyone.

The Turian and Asari exchanged a look. "Well, Commander… Unfortunately, Commander, while Saren's record has had blurs to the accuracy of reports, we cannot just take those into account when viewing a Spectre's current charges. You will need to provide accurate and true evidence to support your claims. Once you do this, we will be able to take this more...seriously."

"I agree." The Salarian commented. "With all due respect commander, if we prosecuted one of our Spectres every time there was a complaint, the organization would no longer exist. It is simply the nature of the position."

"... Did… Did birdface here just say he couldn't take me seriously?" Shepard said, pointing to the Turian.

"Shepard, you might want to rephrase that comment. One might take it as xenophobic." Udina remarked, pulling at his collar.

"No, I'm using it as an insult and to make him feel bad for his blind racism."

"So you're being racist in response to racism?"

"Yes."

"Commander, this kind of unprofess-"

"You were the one that started the unprofessionality by stating that you cannot take humanity seriously. Obviously, you are harboring ill mannered feelings for humans in this case and must be struck from the trial as you have a larger stake in this than anyone else. Or does everyone here not remember that Councilor Sparatus was serving his mandatory service during the 'Relay 314 incident'?"

The turian's face solidified. "Commander, are you suggesting that I'm unfit for my position?"

"For this particular trial, yes I am." Shepard held his ground, everyone in the room was obviously fighting to keep their jaws from dropping. He wasn't just good, he knew the legal system well. _Too well..._

"There is no trial yet." He responded. "As it is, all we've heard is a few claims from traumatized dockworker, second hand claims I might add. As is, there's barely an investigation, and that's just a formality."

"May I point out that omni-tools have a tracking system in them and you could literally just check where Saren was during the attack?"

The Asari cut in before the Turian could. "Commander, Spectres are the only people, aside from the STG and such agencies that are allowed to go completely dark to complete assignments. If we _did _check Saren's status at the time, it would just show that he was here on the Citadel in his issued apartment via decoy."

"... So, what you are saying is… That you have given people license to destroy the galaxy with your blessing. No way of tracking, no way of looking into or finding evidence via their persons?"

They looked at each other as if to say 'when you put it that way...'

"Fine then, we are done here. I'll get you your proof and when I do… well, we'll talk about what humanity will be suing the council for."

"Suing the-"

He cut them off by hitting the off button. "And if I was holding a microphone, I wouldn't just be dropping that bitch, I'd be spiking it into the ground like I just made the winning touchdown at the superbowl."

"Shepard, that was… I'm… SUING THE COUNCIL?!" Udina finally got out. "They are the judges, not come corperation that you can- By god, they will just declare themselves innocent."

"Look, that's why we make a deal to make me a Spectre. We just promise that we won't sue them if they do. Plus, I doubt they are smart enough to realize that. I mean seriously, None of them actually looked to see that Sparatus fought against humans. That's like the first thing we would go for."

"Well, I hope you can back up your talk, because unless you find the evidence, we will be screwing ourselves out of more than just a Spectre position."

"Oh, we will...Kaidan-"

"If you say 'write down popperclops' I will jump off this ledge right here and now."

"Okay..._record_ the word popperclops."

"Permission to speak freely sir?"

"Okay."

"Go fuck yourself."

"I would, but the ladies wouldn't like that too much."

"Oh, thank god he's not gay." Joe sighed in relief but much louder than he meant to.

"...Joe, we're already dealing with racism here. We don't need homophobia too."

**S7: Grrys, take a note. Grrys sounds like fries.**

**Grrys: … I'd never realized that…**

**S7: Lies!**

**T117: *Slow sarcastic clapping*.**

**S7: Surprise!**

**T117: Are you just gonna do this the whole time?**

**S7: Nah, I was just doing it because… I don't know. It's late and I'm tired.**

**Grrys: And it's a longer chapter than we've been doing.**

**S7: So, I think we should do question chapter for chapter 10. You guys cool with that?**

**T117: Sure.**

**Grrys: Chapter 10? Sure!**

_I'm not in favor of that._

**T117: Yeah, well, too bad narrator. That 'the floor disappeared stuff' might fly with our characters, but not with us.**

_Fine._

**Grrys: So ask questions of us and we'll do our best to answer them! I think…**

_Uh, no you won't because I am answering all questions that the readers ask. That way they don't get like the three of you giving bullshit, everyone has an opinion answers. Also, I get kinda lonely when you guys aren't around. Seriously, a whole month to put out a chapter. It's like I was locked in a basement._

I wish I had your problem. Instead I never get any peace and quiet between Bourne, Iron, Hero, Iron, and everyone else.

_Well, stay a little bit later and I'll keep talkin' to you in this voice doesn't it just make you wanna-_

**S7: Whooh there, we don't need anyone describing how disembodied voices get it on, okay?**

_Cockblocker._

**S7: Buh… Zuh… Disembodied means you don't have one!**

Yeah, and I'm literally a computer program, without any real physical shell that you could get it on with.

**S7: So go wait in your corner for the Glitching a World of Fiction cameos! Nobody cares about you until that comes about.**

**Grrys: Long chapter, disembodied voices trying to get down and dirty, and we're answering reader questions in a few chapters. This is just another ordinary day in the life of authors who can't keep their characters under control. Which is why I have so few.**

**T117: Yeah, and , I just realized I haven't used CTHI in the SaWoF ANs in like...a long time.**

I wish I had a face so I could glare at you.

**T117: Anyway, I think we better wrap this up. Sayonara.**

**Grrys: Generic send off!**

**S7:1473I2**


	8. The Fist that Broke the Shadow

Shepard began pacing back and forth across the room. "Those racist, xenophobic, miserable toad-screwing, shit sucking dictators!"

"Shepard, they are a board of elected officials, not-" Udina was cut off with a harsh look from the commander.

"Commander, we need solid proof to show that Saren is corrupt. I advise that we start with a galactic search from Saren's last known location then we can-"

"There is no time!" Shepard slammed his hands down on the nearby desk. "Whatever information we need, we will have to find it on the Citadel."

"The chances of that happening are-" Udina cut himself off again once Shepard gave him the look.

"Kaidan...read me back my notes."

"Popperclops. If you had another tablet, things would be easier. Everything Kaidan says is stupid. Ashley is a whore. Udina is a panty-twisted pansy who pretends to be a fairy princess at night because he's a lousy shitbag. When we get back to the ship, you need to look for the person who has been eating the medigel like ice cream. And then, in no particular order, another 35 times you had me write down popperclops. And one time where you accidently said 'pooperclops' then made me write it down that way anyway to try and save face."

Shepard turned around and began rubbing his temples. "Okay, let's see. Udina is a pansy. But so are a lot of alien races. Some that are in bags that can't breath shit! Of course! We need to find a quarian!"

"...That has got to be, the...fifth most idiotic thing I've ever heard, and the four above it all also came out of your mouth." Udina said, looking like the only reason he wasn't rubbing _his _temples was because Shepard was doing it.

"Wait, Shepard might be onto something, Udina. There were reports of a shooting in the lower wards today. The C-sec operatives were following a wounded quarian." Anderson suggested.

"That is purely coincidental. There are reports of people getting shot on the Citadel every day. There is no way that can-"

"Silence shitbag!" Shepard slaps the back of his hand onto Udina's face, who flinched back. "I'm a professional! I know what I'm doing! That quarian has to be our ticket to defeating Saren in court and winning the battle of the bands!"

"...You know what? Since there's no way in hell you can prove Saren's guilty in the allotted time anyway, screw it, go ahead. Hell, if you somehow manage to find a quarian who knows something about all this, I'll… recommend that you get the Normandy."

Shepard got a big smile, we are talking the kind that makes you know that you made a terrible mistake when betting. "I'll take it, and when I win, I also want your home!"

"Yeah, sure, why not? In the slim chance that you find a quarian with information on Saren's betrayal, I'll give you command of the Normandy and my apartment." Udina said, just trying to get Shepard out of the office so he could think.

"Kaidan, you got your pad ready?"

"Let me guess, another popper-"

"No, but write down the terms of the bet we just made, in case he tries backing out...and write down clopperpops. I'll know what it means...so, if we're talking criminals, you know where we need to go, right?"

"C-sec?" Ashley suggested.

"The lower wards?" Kaidan said at the same time.

"No, the Presidium!" Shepard proclaimed and headed for the door. "I've heard of a asthmatic called Barla Von that we can team up with and he knows everything about everyone!"

"...Is there any point to even trying to talk him out of this?" Joe sighed.

"Probably not." "I doubt it." "Not at all."

"I figured." He sighed again. "Well, let's go there then."

Shepard strutted forth with the others in tow, along with Joe lagging behind, in search of the Volus info broker. His journey took him all over the Presidium and strangely enough he completely avoided the actual building that the Volus was in. Somehow, from there he found his way into an elevator and down into the lower wards until he came across a clin- _er, Okay apparently he thinks it's a directional station...meh, I can work with this._

"Here we are, these guys will know where Barla Von is!" Shepard stated, marching toward the clinic.

"Sir, that's a clinic." Kaidan stated, lagging a bit behind next to Joe.

"Are you sure? No, no, look at the rotated x up there. That's a brand logo for an info clinic. I remember seeing an add in...well nevermind that."

The Commander marched in and saw two men standing with a woman. "See, here are some fine directional analyst… guys. Good sirs, we need direction to the offices of Barla Von."

The two exchanged a look. "Uh...he does see I'm holding a gun, right?"

The other pulled out his own gun, wrapping his free arm around the woman's neck. "Man, I don't know, people around here are weird."

Just then, a bullet drilled a hole into the guy who stated that Shepard was weird and he dropped the the ground. Following that, the guy holding the doctor dropped with a bullet through his brain as well.

"...I'm not weird." Shepard stated flatly, holstering his pistol. "Am I? Be honest with me you three?"

Joe went to open his mouth, then decided that nothing he could say could possibly turn out well and just let Kaidan say it.

"Sir, you are quite possibly the weirdest individual I've ever met."

"Thank you Kaidan!" He said brightly, turning to the turian that stepped out from around the corner, his own gun still smoking on his hip. "Nice shot, though you missed the double kill there."

"I was making sure I didn't hit the hostage."

"...No you weren't, that shot whizzed right by her head. I mean, really, one more centimeter to the left and you'd have- well, maybe a centimeter and a half, but the angle would've been wrong either way…"

"Doesn't matter." Shepard stated, waving Ashley off and striding toward the turian. "My name is Commander Shepard and I just happen to be in the market for someone who can use a sniper rifle. How do you fare with one?" He asked, putting his hand out to shake.

"I'm a little busy at the moment, trying to find someone who might have evidence against Saren." He stated, holding up a C-sec badge showing his name, Garrus Vakarian.

"Does he just try recruiting anyone he meets?" Ashley muttered.

"Everyone except those that are incompetent like you Gunnery Chief." Shepard shot back. "So are we, my gut tells me there is a quarian around here with the information."

He glanced at the doctor, who was still holding her throat where the thug had grabbed her. "I...believe so…"

"I am fine by the way, thanks for asking." She muttered, leaning against a cot. "And yes, there was a quarian here not long ago...said she was looking to trade information on Saren for a place to hide… I told her her best bet was Fist, since he works for the Shadow Broker." She glanced at the bodies. "He must've sent me here to shut me up."

"Wait, there is a fist that is breaking shadows!? There is no time to lose then!" He grabbed Garrus by the arm and headed for the door. "Quick, to the seediest bar we can find!"

"Am I being kidnapped right now?" Garrus quipped, slightly confused.

"Don't worry, the rest of us were… Except Ashley, she can still get out with her sanity." Kaidan pointed out, throwing a glance to the Chief.

"I wish. Anderson already signed me onto the Normandy's roster…"

"And I will take you off of it once we find Saren and I win the bet." Shepard responded. "Also, Kaidan, write down popperclops when you have time."

"Now you're just making shit up!" He growled as he followed them.

Garrus managed to pull himself out of Shepard's grip and readied his gun. "He's probably gonna be expecting us."

"No he won't because…!" Shepard died out when he finally busted through the door and found at least nineteen guns trained on him. "Oh shit, they were expecting us… Um, okay I got it."

One of the thugs stepped forward and held his gun pointed at Shepard, "Surrender and die."

"Uh, don't you mean-"

"I know what I said." He said, smirking at Kaidan.

"No, no no, that won't do. I got a better idea." Shepard said, putting his gun away. "We have our strongest guy fight your strongest guy and if we win, we kill you all but if you win, we'll go home."

"Uh, what? That doesn't-"

"Alright, it's settled. Joe, get up here and show them what you can do!" Shepard commanded, giving Joe a thumbs up.

"...What."

"Oh, what, that scrawny little bitch? Alright, alright, we'll _humor_ you." One of them said, though luckily for Joe, _and much to my disappointment _it was a human, not a krogan. The rest, grinning, got in a half circle around them.

_And then a krogan pushed past him, because I'm the boss here, remember? _"I was hoping for something to eat."

"What was wrong with the other guy?" Joe moaned.

"Oh, I have agoraphobia." He stated, stepping back. _That means fear of large, open spaces...for those who were curious..._

"Wait, you're afraid of situations that will put you into a panic but you work as a mercenary?"

"Hey, a job's a job and I gotta afford my medication." He replied with a shrug.

"Really? This guy gives you insurance?" Shepard asked. "Huh, that's surprising."

"...He's high, right?" A merc muttered to Alenko, since they were standing next to each other.

"Nope, he's actually completely sober." Kaidan said. "...as far as I know. We _were _just at a hospital."

"Actually, I couldn't qualify for Fist's health plan on account of the agoraphobia so I got a claim at Moststate."

"What the hell is Moststate?"

"They're like a knock off of Allstate only for aliens and outer colonists and with less coverage because… Well, you know, they only cover most things." He informed, though since everyone was talking to this one guy, they were missing the thrashing that Joe was taking.

He'd ended up resorting to running around the bar in the middle, trying to tire the krogan out. The krogan was mostly standing in one place, so when Joe changed directions he'd run right into him again. He was glad to have a meal tire itself out.

Though, the more Joe ran, the more the krogan scared him and just when he was about to strike, Joe started to glow blue. The entire world began to slow down around him and a surge of energy pushed him forward. In a fit of speed and inertia, Joe collided with the krogan, too fast to observe sending it careening through the air. It ended up landing open mouth on a chair and getting it's mouth stuffed with a barstool.

The mercs looked between the krogan, and him, and then at the other four, now with guns and a couple grenades readied.

"...Um...best two out of threeaargh!" His head exploded from a well placed shot from Shepard, and the rest fell down a few moment later.

The slaughter happened so quick that soon only the agoraphobia guy was left, cornered by Joe holding his pistol though very shakily. "Guys, I don't wanna kill this guy…"

"Oh god, here it is… the one time I don't take my meds…. Someone save me from this, my heart's gonna explode…. Argh." Joe sent the guy into a panic that tired out his heart and stopped it. He fell over, dead from the panic and strain. _… How does somebody die from a panic attack? Wait, no, that makes sense. Hey, Frank, are bars triggers for agoraphobes or claustrophobes?!_

"...Nice work Joe, you didn't even need to shoot him. You just looked at him and scared him to death. And look what you did to that...wait, is that krogan still alive?" Shepard poked him with his boot, and the krogan twitched. "Eh, I can't tell." He dropped a grenade by his head and stepped back, then detonated it. "Well, good work regardless."

The crew made their way into the hallway to Fist's place, leaving Joe standing there with the agoraphobe and a horrified look on his face.

"You coming or not?" Shepard called impatiently.

Joe sunk down onto his knees and let out a shaky sigh. "I can't… do this. Robots are one thing but… this… I can't kill people."

"Sure you can! You're really good at it too! Way better than the Gunnery Chief here."

"Permission to speak freely sir?"

"Nope! You can just stay not talking Williams!"

They all looked at Joe but he didn't get up, he didn't even budge from the spot he was sitting. "No, I'm not a killer! Jenkins was an accident!"

_Wow, Joe just grew a single vertebrae? That's… actually I'm kinda proud of him. Not saying I'm not going to continue making him my bitch but I feel like I'm the one who caused this so… Yeah, go me!_

"Uh...I meant that guy, and the krogan, actually…" Shepard said, actually seeming slightly deflated...ish. "And there's that other guy that died when the krogan landed on him, he sorta counts…"

"I killed four people!?" Joe gasped, holding his stomach and fighting the urge to throw up. _Hmm...is gonna win, or...who am I kidding, I'm me, he's him. _ He lost. _Like, think Hulk vs Loki. And he's not the green one...I mean, he is green, but that's because of the nausea, not gamma rays, or...you know what I mean!_

His puke splashed forth and covered everyone's shoes, leading everyone but Shepard to step back. As they did, the Commander put his hands on his hips and struck a heroic pose. Then, the poor sobbing mess on the floor looked up at him and immediately wanted to crawl back. He didn't deserve to be in this hero's presence, like this. _Of course he doesn't, that's the whole point of sticking him in here._

"Joe, get up." He commanded, his voice forcing the boy to his feet. "We are not the monsters here, nor are we in the wrong. We are here to defeat a threat that not only is threatening our lives but the existence of peace in the universe. So long as you are fighting on that side, you're not killing people. You're ridding the galaxy of monsters."

"But… the monsters… look like… people." He sobbed, wiping away the tears and mucus.

"The devil comes not as himself but in many disguises, that's what we are killing. Demons and hell spawn!" Now straighten up and come with me. For together we will defeat evil and thwart the apocalypse!" The commander boasted, pointing back toward the door.

"Commander, I didn't think you were Christian." Ashley said, observing his former statements.

"Uh, my name isn't Christian." He said, pulling out his gun. "You good to go, Joe?"

"...I have no idea."

"Excellent! Another successful pep talk for Shepard!...Kaidan, were you listening to that? Because if so, write it down. And if not, write down clopperclops, and I'll be able to remember it later."

As Shepard continued on, Garrus just blurted out "He's an idiot. How do you people manage him?"

"Personally, I'm actually glad to be an L-2, since the constant migraines mean I have basically an unlimited access to pain meds. Strong ones."

"We don't."

"Well, I'm not really allowed to share, sorry."

"Alright, we are in the belly of the whale now crew. Look out for anything." Shepard stated, marching forward

"Uh, we weren't eaten by a whale." Garrus pointed out, wondering what the hell he meant.

"It's an expression Garrus! God, read a book sometime." He commanded, opening the door.

"Freeze!" "Don't move!"

"...These guys seem skinnier than the others did." Shepard commented.

"And given they don't have armor, they're probably not mercs." Garrus agreed. "Dock workers?"

"Hey, shut up! We are too real mercs!"

"Well...intern mercs."

"Dude, you are not helping our case right now!"

"You're the one that said your mom would get us this job in the first place!"

"My aunt you idiot, not my mother!"

"Ants? You have ants here? That's a serious health code violation." Shepard said in horror. "I mean, better than rats, or cockroaches, but still!"

"...Is this guy stupid or something?"

"YES." Joe, Kaidan, and Ashley said in unison.

"I know, right?" Shepard said, pointing to the first merc. "You shouldn't allow insects to recommend a job!"

"I...you...what?!"

"I think they meant that you're stupid, Commander." Garrus interjected.

"Nonsense! Ants can be a real problem. What with eating all your ice cream! And your popperclops! Write that down, Alenko."

"...Yes sir." He sighed.

"Good!" He pulled his gun out and shot the two interns. "Alright, now the ant lovers are out of the way. Let's keep moving."

The five of them moved through the door and Shepard had to dive backwards, pulling Joe with him as turrets erupted with sustained fire.

"Shit! Kaidan and Garish, get in there and overload those turrets!" He commanded, standing back up.

"How does he..."

"Just go Garrus!"

The two of them activated a shield boost and ran into the room. Using the precious seconds they bought themselves, they targeted the machines and fired, sending them erupting into sparks and shrapnel. The full group then charged in, and unloaded all their ammo on Fist, causing him to drop to the ground in pain, _somehow magically not killing him...because reasons._

"Where is that quarian!?" Shepard demanded, with a gun to Fist's head. "Also, how are you breaking shadows!?"

"Breaking- what?"

He fired a shot near his head, probably making him go deaf in that ear for life.

"AH! Okay, okay, I can tell you where the quarian will be! She said she would only meet with the Shadow Broker himself so I gave her a time to meet in the back alley near here. The meeting time is close, you'll have to move quick if you plan to make it." He said, trying his hardest to stay alive.

"Thanks!" Shepard acknowledged before putting a hole through his skull. "Oh shit, I forgot to ask how he breaks shadows with his fist."

"...Magic Shepard. Fucking space magic," Kaidan sighed.

"I knew it!"

**S7: We're back bitches and bastards!**

**Grrys: And… Those of other persuasions! Okay, yeah, that was terrible.**

**T117: Blame Spike for setting it up.**

**S7: I didn't tell you to say it.**

**Grrys: My own fault, really. Hey, Narrator, Frank get back to you about those bars?**

_About what?_

**Grrys: About the phobias? Whether bars tend to trigger agoraphobia or claustrophobia?**

_...He was taking too long, so I ended up just flipping a coin._

**S7: Hey, agoraphobia can be acceptable because it's just a fear of situations that will cause a panic.**

**Grrys: It's fear of open areas. Like outside.**

**T117: Are we seriously arguing about this?**

**Grrys: Well, I guess we can drop it…**

**S7: Especially cause The Mayo Clinic sides with me.**

_And it's usually used in context with open spaces, so I can see the confusion._

**Grrys: Right. So. There was mention of a Q&amp;A after chapter 10? Look forward to that people!**

**S7: If anyone still reads this since it was gone for so long.**

**Siiea: You assume people read it to begin with.**

**T117: Oh, damn, someone get the aloe vera.**

**Grrys: *Shoots shotgun* Shots fired!**

**S7: Yeah, good… good to have... Nope can't say it, though now I remember why I didn't want to write this anymore.**

**T117: Oh lighten up. **

**S7: Yeah yeah, anyone have anything to add or can I just post this?**

**Grrys: Post it! Have fun!**

**T117: We're back! Sayonara!**

**S7:1473I2.**


	9. Dumbass Noir

Joe and the others ducked down as they made their way forward. Shepard had taken a look ahead and seen that there were three enemies talking to Tali. Now, he was trying to figure out what they could do to catch the enemies by surprise.

"Okay, BF, you go running up the middle and take out the guy in the middle. Joe, you do that missile thing to the guy on the left. I'll get the guy on the right. Alenko? Paperclips."

"Oh come on!"

"Wait, you never said my name." Garrus said.

"I forgot what it was, so I said the first thing that came to mind."

"...Well, I'm insulted. Also, why would I go running in? I can snipe him from here."

"Or I could." Ashley muttered.

"You're right! Joe, snipe all three!"

"...Um, I'm, uh...out of ammo." Joe stuttered. This elicited a look from all others present.

"But doesn't-" Shepard started.

"Yeah! Me too! We all are!" Kaidan quickly interjected, hoping to actually save Tali.

"Huh...weird." Shepard shrugged. "Screw it. Ashley, you rush in and try to club them to death with your gun, and while they're killing you, BF, Joe and I will sneak up on them and slit their throats."

The Gunnery Sergeant didn't say anything and instead looked at the commander with wide eyes and open mouth.

"Close your mouth before a bug flies in there." Shepard ordered. "Great plan, Shepard. Thanks, other Shepard."

Joe looked down at the ground and muttered to himself. "Oh my god, he's multiplying in his own head."

_Uh… Okay, audience. I am not doing that and I know that Shepard's narrator isn't making him hear voices._

Shepard began looking around. "Did you hear that? That has to be the sexiest voice I've ever heard!"

_Why, well thank you She-_

"I know. Other Shepard, our voice is amazing."

_Fuck you! _

"Uh, those other two are pulling out guns…" Kaidan said. "Do we, uh, want to actually do something at any point?"

"Alright, fine. Kaidan, you rush in with Ashley, the rest of us still do the throat slitting thing."

"...You know, since at this point them killing me would be a relief, yeah. Let's do that." Kaidan pulled out his gun and started firing at the closest salarian as he ran at them, right as Tali threw a mine of some sort, so it looked like the gun made him explode.

"Holy shit Kaidan!" Shepard said, sounding amazed. "WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE STEALTHY! NOT MAKE THEM EXPLODE!" He pulled out his sniper rifle and quickly shot both the other Salarian, than the Turian that'd been standing there with an open mouth. "God, do I have to do _everything _myself?! Yes other Shepard, you do, because everyone else is incompetent. I know first Shepard!"

"Safe." Joe muttered to himself.

The battle was over quickly and cleanly and left the turian laying on the ground and bleeding out. As the mop up was done the others circled around Tali to make sure that she was alright. Joe on the other hand walked away from the group and to the Turian as he tried to crawl away. The scaredy cat held his pistol in his hand shaking profusely.

"Stop r-right th-there." He said, trying to make sure that his voice didn't break much.

The turian propped himself up against the wall and waved Joe off. "I'm already going to die, human. Don't waste the battery."

"Y-you're a b-bad guy though." Joe said, not putting the gun down.

"Kid, I know when I've been beat." He pointed to his stomach where the shot connected and went through. "Your commander took out my femoral artery. The blood loss'll kill me. Might as well just let me die with an intact face."

The gun lowered in Joe's hands and he looked at the Turian. "How can you- be so brave?"

"This isn't bravery, kid. This is me dying with acceptance and I can tell you that you'll know this feeling soon enough." He predicted, pulling out a cigarette and putting it in his mouth.

"How- how- how do you know?" A lump formed in the kid's throat from the dead man's words.

"It's the sight, kid. I look at them and I look at you and I see that you aren't like them. Your eyes still have a sense of innocents to them. You never took a life on purpose. Something else took that life."

_Oh my god, can this conversation get any more boring. Where is that delete button so I can take out all this cra-_

"There's a demon stalking you, one that's gotten you into this mess and he ain't going to stop until you're dead or he's satisfi-" The turian cut himself off and clutched his heart for a second. The pain of death finally setting in. _Call me a demon again. I dare you...seriously, do you think I'd be that low on the totem pole? I'm clearly the Devil himself. And not the type that loses to a guy in a fiddle contest, the one that sets you on fire just for cheating once on a math test. Poor Frank._

Joe kneeled down next to the turian as the poor bastard gasped for his final breaths. "Get- get- get my ligh-ter. I need a smoke for… the road."

Panicking, our human coward looked through the turian's pocket and pulled out the lighter before giving the guy a good light. "I guess, I'll see you when I die then."

The turian took a long puff before giving Joe a twisted look. "Dumbass, what makes you think I'm going to the same place as you?"

The turian died like that, with a fucked up grin on his face and a lit cigarette in mouth. Maybe Joe knew what he meant by a demon or maybe he had just gone crazy and those last words were that of a mad man. Either way, the guy had called a shot and made a bet against Joe's life. One-to-one hundred trillion odds, Joe was going to die.

_Well, maybe not die. I might be in a good enough mood to just have him maimed, or brain dead in a coma or something like that...but yeah, almost certainly probably definitely he's going to die._

Once Joe was back on his feet, a soft hand fell on his shoulder and Ashley's words followed. "Hey, you have a stroke or something? Your face is really pale."

"I think I'm gonna spew." He put a hand to his mouth as his cheeks went green instead.

_Hmm...where's the worst spot for him to throw up and have it backfire on him…_

And Joe proceeded to vomit right onto Ashley.

"...Goddamnit, that's the third time this month." She sighed.

"You've been thrown up on multiple times this month?"

"I had a rookie in my squad."

"Oh, but multiple times!?" Joe asked, trying to blow this one thing out of proportion to ease his mind.

"His dad made him enlist, he was a complete-...well, it happened a lot."

"You were gonna say loser, weren't you?" Joe asked, looking down at his feet in sadness. "I know I'm one, you don't have to pull punches."

_Yeah, seriously, that's like the whole premise here._

"Then yes, you're a loser."

"Thanks." Joe said, looking up and giving Ashley a weary smile. "But at least I'm a living loser. Right? Heh-heheh… I'm sorry."

She responded by slapping him, walking away fuming.

_I made him say that. HAhHAHAHAHAHAHAHA , you little fuckwit._

Joe looked down at his feet and sighed before walking over and joining the group.

"Thank you all for saving me." Tali said, looking to each one of them.

"Pft, these losers don't need thanks. They're paid to do this. The real person who deserves your thanks is me and this guy." Shepard responded, pulling Joe in for a sideways hug.

"...I thought _he _shot the first one." She looked between Joe and Kaidan, pointing at the latter.

"Again, paid to do this but it was mine and Joe's plan to do this. You don't thank the tools, you thank the garbage man." He replied letting Joe down. "Wait, bad example…"

"How was it Joe's plan!? He just lied about being out of ammo, with guns that literally _never _run out of ammo! Seriously, you can just sit there firing at a wall for literally, hours. HOURS. And then you tried getting Ashley killed again. AND THEN you tried to get me killed along with her!"

"I helped?" Garrus offered.

"THAT'S news right there. Because the Commander DOESN'T try to get me killed every five minutes." Ashley said, voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Kaidan, Ashley, you're dismissed. Go back to the Normandy and sit in a corner or something." The commander ordered, waving them off.

It was hard to tell who ran faster or left first.

"Also, BF, write down popperclops. I'll know what it means."

Garrus cocked his head to the side as Shepard gestured to him. "...BF? Since when did we become friends, let alone best friends?"

"Friends? I meant Bird Face. What, you don't like nicknames?"

"...That's racist." He crossed his arms.

"It's better to just accept it." Joe whispered to Garrus, knowing what it was like.

He rolled his eyes. "I'm doomed, aren't I."

"Pretty much." _Damnit Joe, don't steal my lines like that!_

"Okay Commander, writing down Popperclops. Would you like that in a certain font or dictation?"

"Why thank you Garrus! That's a pay raise for taking the time to care." He said, giving him a thumbs up.

"... I'm expecting my paycheck tomorrow."

"Nope, on the fifth and twentieth of every month. That's just standard."

"Do you guys do overtime?"

"Nope, but we do 401K and benefits like dental." He assured to the BEAKED alien.

"...What about mental health?"

"Paid psychiatrists."

"I could use one of those." Joe muttered.

"Um...did you guys, um, just happen to be walking by when I was attacked, or…?" Tali looked between them.

"Right. Save the hostage. Take her hostage. Interrogate. BF, what step are we on?"

"Um...couldn't we, like, skip the take her hostage part?" Joe cut in.

"Yeah, let's do that." Tali said, priming her omni-tool warningly.

"Well...okay Joe, but only because your last plan worked too."

"Cool." Joe looked at Shepard and thought for a moment about how much he listened to him. "How about we all just go back to Udina's place and introduce her? Then we can look at the information she has?"

"...How did you know I had informa-"

"We're trying to bring Saren down." Garrus cut her off. "And apparently, you have something that'll link him to the Geth?"

"Shadow punching!"

"...What?" Tali just looked at Shepard in confusion.

"Word of advice: If he says something stupid, just smile and nod...or, in your case, I guess all you have to do is nod." Joe whispered again to Tali.

"Uh...is there, somewhere we can go, and share the information?...With, less, er...eccentric people?"

_Sure! Let me just snap my fingers here, and- boom, timeskip._

"You are making my life very difficult Shepard." Udina said with his back to them, a vein pulsing in his neck. "Shooting up Chora's den, reports of explosions on the Wards or at a hospital that I know had to be you, and _somehow_, you infected my office computer with a _dozen _viruses when you were surfing the extranet while waiting for the Council!"

"What? I'll have you know that Cartoon Network dot com is completely safe and I just enjoy watching the old shows." Shepard assured, crossing his arms.

"That's not even in the history!"

"Well, that's the only thing I used your computer for and I did it in incomprehensible mode." He shot back, crossing his arms and shooting him a hard stare.

"Why would you use incognito mode for-" Joe was cut off as Udina facepalmed.

"Shepard, that just means that it won't show up in the history. Thank you so very much for answering the least important grievance I have with you right now. It means so much to me that you care that little." Udina's voice dripped with sarcasm.

"You're welcome, it's the little things that matter." He answered, looking to Tali. "So, you wanna show us the goods?"

"Excuse me? Commander, I don't think flirting is appropriate now." She answered, stepping back from him.

"What? What the fuck is flirting?" He asked, cocking his head to the side but then shaking it and looking at her sternly. "I mean the information you have on your omni-tool that proves Saren is evil."

"Oh, so that's why she's here...I was just about to add that to the list." Udina crossed his arms.

"Oh, that, uh." Tali looked down at her omni-tool and worked to bring it up fast. She was obviously embarrassed by the misunderstanding.

"Eden Prime was a major Victory! The Beacon has brought us one step closer to finding the conduit!" Saren's voice slithered through the air.

"And one step closer to the return of the Reapers." Another feminine voice answered.

"That's Saren's voice!" Captain obvi-_ I mean, uh Captain _Anderson- said triumphantly. "This proves he was involved in the attack."

_Ugh, this is so boring. Okay, timeskip… again...don't judge, it is boring! Seriously, if you're reading this, you've probably A: Played through it at least a dozen times, and B: Read it in other stories at least 2 dozen times. You'll thank me later._

Joe walked away from the group as they all began talking about possible outcomes and Saren being a bad guy. Sure, it was cool experiencing it, but Joe wasn't in the mood. The stuff that the dying Turian said hung over him horribly. Why did this all happen to him, what the hell does his presence there really mean, and just what exactly was **wrong **with Shepard?

Just as Joe was contemplating all this crap, something rang through his ears. "You know as well as I do that time travel is possible."

The dumbass looked back and forth, wondering what the hell the people talking about this knew. It didn't take long for him to locate the source as two young guys chatted about something on their datapads.

"Yes, but controlling it is the problem." The second replied.

"In the inanimate object testing, we were always able to send the items the designated amount of time in either direction."

"But the margin of error was noticeable for the longer jumps, relativistically speaking."

"So what if we still haven't seen that toaster reappear? Toasters are mysterious anyway. It's like… you put in bread, and somehow, you get toast. Where did the bread go?"

"God you're an idiot. The deal is that non-biological materials don't travel well through the time stream. You go in wrapped in metal and you come out buck naked. The last guy who traveled did it with a suit on and all his buttons and zippers were gone when he came out." The more knowledgeable one said, putting his head in his hand.

"Because a lack of metal is a problem in this day and age. It's too bad there's no metal asteroids we can ever mine or anything… oh, wait."

"Except those metal buttons and zippers are lost in the time stream forever!"

"So far. They could still pop up at some point. They might've already. For all we know, they probably popped up in the Stone Age!"

"If that were true, wouldn't there be like...super zippers by now or something?"

"What."

"Well, if zippers were discovered back then, we'd have had a zillion years to make them even better! So they don't pinch down there after you go to the bathroom."

"Dude."

"Well, I guess _you _wouldn't have that problem, according to your ex."

"Yes, I have a small dick, har-de-har. Maybe we could focus?"

"Okay, if you really want to focus on your dick. She also said you couldn't really last more than a minute or two-"

"I meant focus on the time travel you fucking jackass!"

Joe stopped listening after that and started looking for a data pad. If there really was something to do with time travel around, then that was his way home.

**S7: I don't know why but I am not really feeling it right now. It's probably my cold.**

**T117: Yeah, I'm getting over that too...I hope. If it comes back that'll suck.**

**Grrys: Don't worry about it. So long as you don't stand in the rain, you'll get over it in no time! I said as I used my hood to keep the rain off my phone. As nice as an umbrella would be, I didn't have time for that sort of thing.**

**T117:...okaaaayyyy…**

**Grrys: That dark part with the dying turian talking to Joe reminded me of noir films! I said as I turned down a shaded alleyway. You know, like the ones where the hero narrates everything! I stopped as I realized that I had wandered into a dead end.**

**S7: Well then, anyway, where did that part come from Narrator?**

_Beats me, I was putting down what I wanted to happen and that kinda just made itself be known. Every time I tried to cut it out it just kept popping back in… what, you thought this entire story would be lighthearted antics?_

**S7: Okay, well, let's keep this chapter short for A/N and next chapter we'll do our first Q and A chapter.**

**T117: So if you wanna ask questions, now's the time to do it. Or reviews in general really… we're so lonely right now…Sayonara.**

**S7: Alright, catch you guys 1473I2.**

**Grrys: I quickly made my way from the scene of the crime, now knowing that I was a hunted man. Soon, the police would come asking questions about why there were 4 dead bodies, filled to the brim with my custom bullets. I knew that… Oh. We're done. Bye.**


End file.
